Man Speak Vs. Woman Speak: 10 Common Misunderstandings

By , ,

women men communication style argument
How to avoid common arguments by better understanding how men and women communicate.

5. She Says Too Much; He Says Too Little
When a woman feels stressed, she wants and needs to vent. In fact, she often will verbally recall every single horrific detail about her job, her overwhelming schedule and her family. She often uses dramatic words or phrases like "He always…!", "We never…!", "How could you/she/they…!". When a woman reacts like this, it's best to remember that it's just like a valve on the pressure cooker.

MEN: Now's not the time to get defensive, but to help her release that steam a little bit at a time, by responding with empathy and questions that further encourage her to talk it out. Once she feels her emotions have been heard and understood, then she immediately starts to feel better.

However, when a man is feeling stressed, he often stops talking altogether for a period of time. He just wants to chill out with the TV or computer or hang out alone in the garage/basement/man cave to forget his problems. A woman's natural instinct is to ask him probing questions to find out what she did wrong or why he doesn't want to spend time with her.

WOMEN: Now's not the time to feel rejected, but to give him the space he needs to relax on his own. It's best to focus on things you can do to make yourself feel good in the meantime, so when he does ascend back into the light, you'll be feeling happy and excited to spend time with him. Which Love Language Do You Speak?

Dr. John Gray, Psychologist

6. Women Like Reminders
He thinks, "I'm committed to her, she knows I love her."
She thinks, "What has he done to show me he loves me today?"
It is not necessary to reassure her that he loves her every hour, but he shouldn't assume that a gesture of love last month is fresh in her mind today. He should continue to do the nice little things he did while he was pursuing her.

7. Men Are Emotional, Too
She thinks men are not emotional.
The truth is that most men are very sensitive and have deep emotions; they are just not always comfortable showing them. A woman should never assume that her man doesn't feel things like hurt or rejection. He feels more than you know. But don't assume you know how he feels. The best practice is to ASK HIM. But avoid overly emotive phrases like, "Did that hurt your feelings?" Instead try, "Did it bother you when that happened?"

8. "Are You Even Listening?"
She says, "You never listen to me."
He thinks, "She talks all the time, and all I do is listen."
All he really has to do is give some verbal cues to indicate he is paying attention such as, "Really, I didn't realize that." He can also ask questions about the content of what she is saying to let her know he is listening. It's also OK to tell her when he is focused on something else, "Honey, I really want to hear what you are saying, can this wait until I finish this page?"

9. Couch Night Can Be Date Night!
He says, "I'm wiped out, let's just stay in and relax."
She thinks, "He'd rather stare at the TV than be with with me."
It's helpful for women to remember that sometimes their man just wants to be with them and relax and they don't have to do anything or even interact a lot. It's okay to JUST BE. A woman who is comfortable just BEING (and not always doing) is very attractive to her man.

10. I'm Independent, But I Still Need Your Help
She says, "I'm capable of doing that myself."
He hears, "She doesn't want my help."
This can be confusing but most women, no matter how strong and capable, still love to be "taken care of" by their men, in one way or another. Women are taking care of others all the time. Tell her that you know she can do it herself but that you love to do things for her so she can take it easy. America's Most Chivalrous Cities

Ellen Hartson , Life/Relationship Coach

Article contributed by

John Gray


John Gray, Ph.D. is the leading relationship expert in the world. His 17 books, including New York Times #1 best-seller Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, have helped millions of men and women transform their relationships and their lives.

John will be hosting his Soul Mate Transformation Seminar in San Francisco on August 26-28, 2011. For more information, please visit

Location: Mill Valley, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Wellness
Other Articles/News by John Gray:

What Makes Monogamous Couples Tick?

By , , , ,

Are we biologically equipped to spend our lives with one person? Is monogamy even realistic?  Our changing culture and values (not to mention longer lifespans!) are making a committed relationship seem harder than ever, but that doesn't mean you can't have a happy, faithful and fulfilling marriage. Relationship experts John Gray, LiYana Silver, ... Read more

Who's Having The Most Sex?

By , , , ,

Do married couples or single people who are ready to mingle have more sex? YourTango Experts Senior VP Melanie Gorman sat down with relationship experts John Gray, Tammy Nelson, LiYana Silver and Debi Berndt to get to the bottom of this question. Turns out, it isn't such an easy question to answer. Even if you're having more sex, are you enjoying ... Read more

Why Do Women Cheat, Exactly?

By , , , ,

If you've ever been cheated on before, then you know what it feels like to have your heart broken in two. Because we're only human, we sometimes take the blame for why our partners cheat. But constantly overthinking what happened and beating yourself up with questions such as "Did she have an affair because she wasn't satisfied with our sex ... Read more

See More