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How to keep passion alive in a long-term, monogamous sex life.
By John Gray
Last updated on Dec 09, 2023
A good sex life is crucial to keeping love and passionate monogamy growing in a relationship. It's like the glue that holds it all together.
Sex releases the hormones that make us feel good (testosterone for men and oxytocin for women).
Now, we all know that it is often the case that sex is almost always on a man's mind and he generally is "In the mood" anytime, anywhere, and anyway. But for a woman to build her desire and fully enjoy the sexual experience, she first needs to feel special and cherished by her partner.
She yearns to be wanted and responds best when a man pursues her with devout intensity (regardless of the relationship stage or length).
This is based on the fact that men and women experience attraction differently.
Men feel physical attraction first, then the emotional and mental connection follows; women need to feel connected mentally and emotionally before they are ready for a physical encounter. This is why "Romance is from Venus and Sex is from Mars."
At the beginning of our relationships, it's so easy to connect on a romantic and sexual level as the hormones flow freely and plentifully.
Think back to those magical days (and nights!) of great sex ...
Men, you probably called her randomly and often, brought her flowers "just because," showed interest and respect for her ideas, and had long conversations where you actively listened to her talk.
Did you ask her a lot of questions to find out what she liked and then plan fun date nights based on your common interests? Did you send her sexy emails or texts extolling the virtues of her breasts, her perfect bottom, and the seductive effect of her perfume? Did you look deeply into her eyes, lightly touch her face and hair, pull her close to kiss her slowly and deliciously while your hands gently and firmly explored every inch of her lovely body? Did you take bubble baths together? Did you cook your famous spaghetti (in just an apron), and serve it to her with real silverware, candlelight, and Chris Botti playing softly in the background?
Women, did you perfectly maintain your nails, hair, makeup, and maybe even wax? Did you choose scents and outfits designed to turn him on, including silky, slinky underthings and lingerie?
Did you share your hopes, goals, and fantasies with him, admire his expertise, and trust his judgment? Did you daydream about his lips on your nipples, and imagine what it would be like to wake up next to him every morning and the beautiful children you might make together? Did your eyes sparkle and your stomach flutter whenever he walked into the room? Were you thrilled by his efforts to please you and did you smile, flirt, and thank him for every little thing to show him how happy you were?
As couples settle in together and the hectic daily schedules take precedence, our priorities slowly shift.
We don't indulge in as much quality time together or strive to meet each other's needs, yet this is the precursor to great sex. What happens, instead, is that men tend to forget their feelings and women tend to forget their sexual desire. However, when mates prioritize time to remember their love and return the focus to romance and sex, a relationship can begin to improve immediately.
Sometimes when tension is brewing in a relationship, one partner will want to stop having sex. But the best thing a couple can do is focus on creating better sex, because when the sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship can improve.
Just as our palettes crave a variety of meals to keep our bodies functioning well, we also need to incorporate variety into our intimate relationships.
There are 3 types of sex happily married couples have to keep their relationship strong.
1. Healthy, home-cooked sex
This style is the basis for a regular, healthy sex life. It usually occurs a couple of times a week and generally takes about 30 minutes and the Martian ensures that his Venusian has the time she needs to relax, build up her desire, and experience orgasms.
2. Fast food sex
Although junk food would not be good for us as a regular diet, it can be tasty and sometimes it fits well into the schedule. The same is true for quickies. This 3-5 minutes given whenever he feels the need for sexual release and she's not in the mood, is a great gift that a woman can bestow on her partner and will go a long way to ensuring he continues to feel his love for her.
Set some ground rules first, like not expecting her to participate much during quickies, having healthy home-cooked sex regularly as often as she likes, plus gourmet sex once a month. Also, he will want to reciprocate quickly by giving her the cuddling she needs regularly to feel loved. This technique can work very well so that never again will he feel rejected, and she will always be able to count on him for affection.
3. Gourmet sex
Indulge in this style of sex at least once a month. A woman needs to be wined, dined, and romanced, just like in the early days (and nights) of the relationship. No excuses — put it on the schedule!
Remember the adage, "If mama ain't happy, then nobody’s happy!"
Of course, a romantic getaway is wonderful, but if money is tight, then send the kids to Grandma's or trade babysitting evenings with the neighbors.
The key to passionate monogamy is remembering and acting like we did at the beginning of the relationship.
When the man takes action to be romantic and the woman responds with appreciation, our bodies release the hormones that drive our sexual feelings.
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Dr. John Gray is a leading relationship expert whose books, including "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" have sold over 50 million copies in 50 languages in 150 countries. He helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships.