How to avoid throwing away the good stuff just because it came a little late. Get the rhythm back.
Thirty-two-year-old restaurant critic Marcus was starving for affection and physical contact. His partner twenty-nine-year-old copy writer Angelina had not been in the mood for physical intimacy since she had the baby.
Patience is Running Out
They had talked about it, and Marcus had agreed to be patient. Now his patience was running out. It had been almost seven months since they had made out with each other.
Making All The Compromises
Marcus felt he had to make all the concessions and initiate all the compromises at his business with colleagues and at home with his wife. He had reached the end of his tether and yelled at his wife for not being supportive or loving.
Marcus Gets What He Wants
Angelina got it. She saw how much Marcus was suffering. She felt really bad and was scared that if she didn't offer affection and intimacy he would leave. Over the weekend she dressed in sexy clothes, took care with her makeup and created a romantic atmosphere.
Marcus Rejects Her Advances
Angelina cuddled up to him after dinner, and began caressing him. Marcus threw off her hands and moved away. " It's too late. I'm not in the mood now." Marcus rejected her advances.
Marcus Cuts off His Nose To Spite His Face
It was so infuriating not to get what he wanted at the time he wanted it, that Marcus had closed the door. He had made himself unavailable for Angelina's love and intimate contact. He was punishing her for not meeting his needs in the way he wished for. Offered affection and sex in a different time span felt insulting to him. His doors were closed and he wasn't going to respond to Angelina's knocking.
The Tragedy of Being Out of Synch
It isn't always possible for a couple to be in perfect synch with each other. It is sad and unsatisfying when partners miss the connections points. But throwing away attempts at connecting just make things worse.
Finding a Point of Connection
It hurts when you get something you have been wanting a lot after the urge has gone. Some part of you shuts down and you don't want it as much.
- Marcus can revive his desires and note that Angelina is making an effort.
- Marcus can be aware of the fact that she does want to be intimate and loving.
- Marcus can connect when she is showing her willingness and desire rather than shutting down when she is ready.
- Marcus can let himself feel full when he gets love rather than deprive himself of physical and emotional intimacy just because it didn't come on demand.
Relationship success comes by allowing that connection whenever it comes.
- Makes more room for each other's different time clocks.
- It creates the foundation for the couple to get more in synch with one another.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
This article was originally published at Jeanette Raymond Los Angeles West Side Therapy. Reprinted with permission from the author.