Putting Your Relationship On Probation: Part One


Putting Your Relationship On Probation: Part One
Learning when it's time to step back and re-evaluate your relationship.

3.  Bringing it up in anger during a fight.

4.  Begging, pleading, convincing him to give you what you need.

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5.  Emotional blackmail—“If you don’t come through I am going to hurt or kill myself.”

6.  Attacking or criticizing him for his inability to move forward with you. 

Delivering the message in a kind and mature way shows you mean business and will optimize the chance that he will rise to the occasion and work with you so that your relationship can grow deeper. He may respond in a positive fashion or be willing to go into individual or couples counseling or get help through other growth or educational courses.

What If He Gets Angry and Withdraws?
On the other hand, if you deliver the probation Talk and he becomes defensive, critical, or argumentative and withdraws even more, you have a serious problem. About 75 percent of the clients I have treated tend, after their own anger dies down, to text or call and pursue their boyfriends even though they reacted poorly. And if you do this, he may respond weakly but not with what you want.

You want to hear him come to his senses. Admit he was wrong about pulling back and going radio silence. Promise that he will be a better man. That he wants you. That he must have you. Your heart, your gut are craving to get him back and for him to show that he’s crazy about you—even though you are furious and are not sure you should give him another chance, and even though you may hate his guts. At the same time, you can’t stop obsessing about him. Where you might catch a glimpse of him at a certain time of day. What you did wrong that drove him away. You can’t imagine not talking to him at all and not ever seeing him again. Even though he acted very poorly and cut your heart to the quick.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we listen to our emotions, instead of our more rational brains? Simple: Your heart wants more, much more; it wants to go back to being madly in love, to those floating-on-air days when you first met, to the feeling of being wanted by the one man you love being around. Even if things have gone very poorly, even if he has withdrawn, won’t commit, or cheated. Our hearts want him back.

And the secret we all want to know more than anything else is: Can we come back together in that communion of souls, return to that lost wild ecstasy?

Can this be done?
The answer is yes. If you know how to do it. And if you know how not to do it. If you avoid the pitfalls and siren calls that lead you to approach him in exactly the wrong way, as so many women do—the way that backfires and kills things off!

Using the Lasting Love Program detailed in Sealing the Deal, you can get your Beloved back into a state of “I Gotta Have Her Love”, even after he says he won’t commit, even if he becomes distant, even if he cheats. But you must pursue a certain course of action, one that doesn’t include dramatic outbursts, playing the victim, whining, or wallowing in your grief. And although, there are no guarantees, this course of action can work big-time.

More from YourTango: What to Do When He/She Won’t Commit?

So what is this secret strategy no one’s told you about yet? A strategy that allows him to come back and fully and completely choose you? Get ready, because it’s something so powerful, and I’m going to share it with you in the next excerpt right here on

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Diana Kirschner


Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-seller “Love in 90 Days.”

Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Diana Kirschner :

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Putting Your Relationship On Probation: Part 2


The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. ~G. K. Chesterton If your Beloved is not growing in his ability to love deeply and commit to you, you may find at some point that you want to leave. In Part 1 I showed you how to have the Probationary Talk with your partner/spouse to give him a heads-up that the relationship was coming to an ... Read more

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