Have you ever wondered…
How could he disappear after he was so totally into me? Why hasn’t he texted? Why does he pull away every time we get close? Was it just about the sex? How could he not be interested in me? Why doesn’t he make a move? Will he ever commit? What the bleep is going on in this relationship? Is it him or is it me?
Ah, men. Mystifying men.
And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones! Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women. Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening. They tease us with clever poems, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us. Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, funny dates, a perfect little heart necklace, delicious kisses and more?
Fortunately, I’ve logged many therapy hours listening to men as they’ve opened up and explored their deepest needs and fears. The good news is that they, like us, usually really do want true love, and down deep they realize that they’d be happier, more content and more sexually satisfied if they had a good relationship. The bad news is they are also scared, and they push real intimacy or commitment away. Men fear being overwhelmed and taken over in an all-consuming relationship void of any video games, sporting events or nights out with the guys. Believe it or not, they also fear rejection and abandonment. And all these fears play out in a variety of ways. Men play out unconscious and conscious dating games which create a maddening push-pull with your heart. That’s why dating and relationships can be so confusing and frustrating.
The Value of Understanding Men’s Deadly Dating Patterns
"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." ~Sam Keen
In the just released paperback version of Love in 90 Days, I devote a whole new chapter to the 16 most common Men’s Deadly Dating Patterns based on personality types. Some of them are much more ingrained and difficult for the guy to overcome than others. I rate the degree of difficulty of each pattern, based on my clinical experience, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most challenging. I have also divided the patterns into three groups: easier to overcome; moderately difficult; and most challenging (those I advise you to stay away from).
Understanding guys’ Deadly Dating Patterns is crucial not only to your success in creating the love you want, but also to your own self-esteem and happiness. When you learn to clearly see who you are dealing with and understand his patterns:
• You can free yourself from second-guessing about what you did wrong whenever a relationship falls apart.
• You will be able to let go of thoughts like, “I should have told him how much I enjoyed the comedy club he picked out and that I would love to go again! That’s why he’s not calling.” or “My thighs are so big and I wore that clingy dress. That’s what turned him off!” or “He broke it off because I am too (old, needy, successful, have kids, fat…fill in the blank).”
• You can more easily say – and understand – that, “It is not just about me. It’s about him and his issues.”
• You can then view relationships in a more balanced way, examining more objectively who did what to whom.
Date Him or Dump Him?
In order to have emotional freedom in dating it is important to be like an anthropologist in the world of men--to study them and understand their unique qualities and attributes. You need to suspend judgment about what a man ought to be like. We expect a lot based on fairy tales, romantic movies and the media: the all-perfect prince is supposed to come along and sweep us away to the magic kingdom of love. But real life is not a fairy tale or a movie. There are no perfect guys. So how do you know whether to date him or dump him?
The severity of men’s dating and commitment issues varies from person to person. So here are eight key questions to ask yourself about the guy and the relationship:
• What does he say about the possibility of real love, women in general, and his past relationships? Read between the lines.
• What do you notice about his thinking about being involved in a long-term relationship or marriage?
• How does he describe other couples?
• If his friend is getting married, is he cynical? Does he describe his married buddies as trapped in some way?
• Does he say it would take a good three to four years to know if a person is ready to be with someone?
• Does he say love never lasts?
• Did his parents stay married and if so, how does he describe their relationship? If divorced, did they remarry successfully?
• Does he have any role models who have shown him what a good marriage is like?
Who are the Keepers?
In Love in 90 Days, I show you how to identify and work with each of the 16 types of guys’ Deadly Dating Patterns. If a guy has one of these patterns, yet he is self-reflective and working on his issues and crazy about you, he is a keeper. Once again, no man is perfect. Of course, neither are you. So ask yourself: how much does this man want to have love, that is, love with you in his life? And what is he willing to do or change to have that special, lasting experience?
As you consider the answers to these questions you will have many ‘Aha’ experiences in understanding the minds of men. Armed with this knowledge you can quickly get away from guys who are DUDs (Definitely Unworkable Dudes) or relationships that are truly dead-end or even destructive. You can see clearly when it is time to stay and work on the relationship or when it’s time to cut your losses and go. You will be freer to choose the ones you want, the ones who give you love that is just right for you.
Learn more about dating games men play in the new paperback version of Love in 90 Days, now on sale with
$100 in free bonus gifts at http://www.lovein90days.com