Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. You can work on sexual trance by using what the legendary sex researchers Masters and Johnson described as sensate focus. This simple but effective technique requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you.
The more you know about each other’s body the better you and your lover will be able to please each other. Guide each other by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my stomach and slowly work your way down.” Or , “I love it when you tease my backside.”
Remember, even if you are encountering problems now, both of you can recover and find new heights of pleasure.
3. Partner Engagement
Partner engagement is interactive sex and sex play. Your partner is seen as a separate person whose happiness and satisfaction are as important as one’s own. At the highest level of partner engagement there is rapture, bliss, plus a feeling of oneness with each other.
In partner engagement you each are dedicated to the fullest sexual expression and fulfillment of the other. This is the arena where you stretch to accommodate what the other wants to do. But never go to the point of intolerable pain or trauma. Be adventurous and take the initiative at times with pleasing each other. A spontaneous ambush for a quickie is a great idea. There’s nothing like “surprise sex” to amp up your pleasure centers.
4. Role Play
The last type of sexual intimacy comes from role play. The couple creates a kind of magic theatre where sex is a stage for each partner to share and enact fantasies with each other. About 95% of people report that they have sexual fantasies—so you’re not alone. Fantasies help each of you to explore all the different aspects of self which frees up energy and loosens you up. Plus it helps reduce the urge to cheat because you both are already having the novelty of a “different” partner.
The excitement and newness of role play keeps the dopamine flowing, which keeps the passion going. Role plays often emerge from fantasies. The most common fantasies involve an imaginary romantic lover, being overpowered or forced to surrender, reliving a sexual experience or pretending they are doing something wicked or forbidden.
Most common roles include, naughty doctor and patient, naughty cop and lawbreaker, master and slave, and fantasy forced submission.
One last word about sexual issues...
If you or your partner has sexual issues first use some of the techniques I have described to try breaking through the barriers on your own. If he has erectile dysfunction there are medications available that have been very effective for men. They’re still working on approving meds for arousal problems in women. But other physical problems could be affecting you, like anemia in women or hormone abnormalities. For men, low testosterone levels have become very common and can have very negative consequences on both libido and erections. Medications you are taking can have libido-depressing side effects. For example, tranquilizers are notorious for interfering with your sex drive.
Don’t let a physical problem prevent you from having sex, so check with your doctor. If your issues are not simply physical, then by all means seek out a sex therapist or a couples therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Treat this problem as you would diabetes or any other serious illness. It will be well worth it.