What in the world is going on? Here we’ve got reams of sex advice on the one hand, and our own lived experiences on the other, and yet somehow we believe that a person with female genitals - and the muscle responses to match – is capable – at least sometimes – of completing orgasmic response without continued stimulation. Could it be that we are still so heavily influenced by the male concept of the "point of no return" - the inevitable ejaculation and orgasmic response - that we continue to apply those expectations to female bodies which do not have pelvic muscles which work in that manner?
I do want to say that I am not male bashing here – I think it makes perfect sense to figure that if your body has muscles that work a certain way, that other people, even those with different genitalia, probably function similarly. After all, we’ve all been hearing for years that “female sexuality” is “just as good as” or “just as powerful as” “male sexuality” and that the complex structure of the clitoris was extensive and worthy of as much respect and regard as a penis. After all, these organs develop from similar pre-natal tissues, and so on. However, equivalent value doesn't mean that all factors are precisely the same.
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So – to restate my point – I think it’s reasonable that males, whose muscles contract involuntarily as orgasm appears inevitable, may feel – due to their familiarity with their own physical responses – that female bodies naturally do the same thing, somehow, somewhere, in the mysterious depths of impending orgasm. And because the average biological male in good sexual health usually finds that he can play around with changing sensations at the brink of orgasm – or even stop sensation all together – he may also tend to switch gears, or back off slightly, or change something when he perceives that a woman is about to tip over into orgasm. And then all of a sudden it’s back to square two, if not square one.
My survey results confirm the existence of this belief in the hands-off, female “point of no return” among cisgendered males and females. That women believe this too is surprising! I do know that as human beings we can do all kinds of wonderful things with our orgasmic potential – full body orgasms, multiple orgasms, creating a secret square inch of skin with incredible sensitivity, orgasming by just thinking about it, using hypnotic suggestions for pleasure, even engaging in subtle body sex. I know it’s not all biology and body parts.
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However, I think Mary Jane Sherfey’s research, and the results of my survey show us an important piece of neglected sex education – one that could help a lot of lovers, average people who might like to know just a little bit more about how to please themselves and others. In my next blog, I'll talk more about the things you and your partner can do to make the most of your orgasmic potential.