I’ll start right off by saying that this article might offend some of you. In fact, some of you might have already been offended just by the title. It is quite frank and some of the language might be blunt, yet my intention is to help. I encourage you to continue reading, as I believe that the “Magic VaJayJay Complex” impacts many relationships and many men and women, of differing sexual orientations.
Let me tell you how I first heard about this Complex (there are no “official” diagnostic criteria, yet it still affects so many relationships, and so I am creating the term here in this article). And again, the words used might be blunt and/or offensive, yet my goal is to educate and support healthy relationships.
The first time I heard the term, it came from one of my Ph.D. interns in training to become a licensed psychotherapist. She used another variation of the term. She told me about an intervention she made with a male patient who was having challenges staying faithful to his girlfriend. What my intern told him, was:
“You’re searching for a woman with a ‘Magic Pussy’ who will make your life feel better than it does right now. Grow up!”
She told me about this intervention somewhat sheepishly, concerned about her language. After we both briefly laughed about it, I told her that I thought that it was a wonderful intervention and that it truly got the point across in language that the patient could understand. And ultimately, it did help this patient and his girlfriend to connect more deeply (I softened the term in the title of this article, hoping not to lose too many readers).
It’s really a variation on the theme that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the pasture.” And yet, isn’t that what so many of us think in our lives, perhaps about relationships, or careers, or some other area?
In romantic relationships, this delusion is highly problematic for a number of reasons. For singles, it is a horrible way to live, believing that someone else can make you feel better, can make you feel whole and complete. Plus, those expectations will apply tremendous pressure on your potential new partner!
And for couples, this kind of thinking is what prevents us from fully committing to the relationship that we are in. We will keep one foot in the relationship and one foot out the door, keeping an eye out for something better. There are no winners when we suffer from the “Magic VaJayJay Complex.”
There is also another variation I’ve encountered which is equally insidious and destructive. A young woman was in an unhealthy relationship, where her “boyfriend” was not treating her well. He saw her when he wanted, would not talk to her for days or weeks at a time and then would re-engage, expecting her to be available.
In some way, this felt like a challenge to her. And her belief (like many young and not-so-young women) was that if she offered incredible sex to him, he would treat her well and see the error of his ways. Again, she felt that she had a “Magic VaJayJay” and that by casting its spell on her boyfriend, he would become enchanted and they would live “happily ever after.”
It doesn’t work that way! Respect and being treated well start from the inside, with our own deep, inner work. Sex can be a physicalization of intimacy and letting someone “inside,” yet we really must make peace with ourselves, respect ourselves, and treat ourselves well, before we can truly be intimate with another. We must deeply know ourselves in order to deeply share who we are with another.
“The Magic VaJayJay Complex” is a delusion that prevents us from experiencing true intimacy. For those who want an intimate relationship that has true depth and passion, we must do as my intern counseled, do our own personal work and “Grow up!”
As always, I welcome your comments and thoughts.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
P.S., Do you have a question for me about relationships, romance, intimacy or sexuality? I hold a free teleseminar every month where I answer your most important questions. You can find out more at http://askadamnow.com