This might be a controversial perspective and I’m going to share it anyway. One of the big “Passion Killers” is the enmeshed relationship where we don’t know where one partner ends and the other begins. Where we really believe that we know the other so well that there are no longer any original thoughts and we can complete each other’s sentences.
While for some this is an ideal, this is the dream relationship, psychologically, it’s not very healthy. And, it’s not very interesting! Where are the surprises? Where is the spontaneity? We might get along well, but where has the PASSION gone?
So, the antidote for this type of relationship is to balance it out with some CONSCIOUS SELFISHNESS! I’m not saying to be disrespectful or break the rules or boundaries you’ve set in your relationship, just that you need to take care of yourself and create an independent life AS WELL as a shared life of partnership.
For some of the time, it is good and healthy to put ME before WE! You’ll hear this on every airplane during the first minutes of flight – “If there is a problem and the oxygen masks activate, strap yours on FIRST before helping anyone else.” And those familiar with twelve step programs will also have heard that recovery is a “selfish” program.
There was a book in the 80’s (I’ve been doing this for a long time!) called “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” I can’t remember a whole lot about the book, but the title was memorable and PRICELESS!
You NEED to be YOU so that you can LOVE others. And so that when others love YOU, you know whom they are loving! I can’t overemphasize this enough.
And for those of you that protest this, please remember that it’s all about balance. There are also couples that are more emotionally cutoff that need a different solution than this. Yet many will benefit from this advice as well. You know who you are!
Remember: ME before WE! And then the WE has the potential to be so much stronger, more loving and more passionate!
As always, I welcome your comments and appreciate your sharing this article with your friends and colleagues.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck