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Three Steps to Ending Family Arguments and Fights Forever

Expert
Family, Self

The secret is learning how to ignore the words and pay attention to the emotions.

I have three things to share with you that will immediately disarm the chaos of fighting and arguing in your family right now.

First, stop what you are doing right now. The misguided methods and well-meaning ideas you have used to stop fights and arguments until now have not worked. What you have done may be pushing your kids and partner even further away, even into bad habits, bad friendships, drugs, and disdain for school. It is time to rethink and relearn everything you ever thought about your family and get your dream life back.

Second, break forever the chain of lies, the resentment, the doubt, and the never-ending negative spiral of arguments that has catapulted you and your family from content and happy to the gates of hell. No matter how complicated or unique your family issues are, I have the key that will stop the arguing and negativity dead in its tracks, focus, you and your family back on what is important, and open your eyes to the love that still simmers beneath.

Third, turn your children around and make them love you, shares you, and obey you so completely and powerfully that your family is the strongest it has ever been and is immune to the threat of conflict, endless arguments, and even violence.

.Are you ready? Warning: Do the steps exactly as I say, even if they seem weird to you.

Let's say your kid is arguing with you and is angry.

Step 1: Ignore the words. Doesn't matter what your children say; doesn't matter what your spouse says. Arguments are not about words; they are about emotions and feelings.

Step 2: Guess at the emotions. In every argument or fight you will see anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, and a deep sense of injustice. That's really all you need to know to get started.

Step 3: State your guesses using "You" statements. Keep them short and simple. Here's an example:

"You are angry and frustrated."

"You feel like you're being treated unfairly."

Do not use. "I" statements. This example is wrong and will only anger the other person even more:

Wrong: "What I hear you saying is that you're angry and frustrated."

These three steps, ignoring the words, guessing at the emotions, and stating the emotions with simple you statements work like magic in stopping fights and arguments instantly.

In the beginning, this will seem very awkward and weird because we are not use to paying attention to other people's emotions, labeling them, and restating them. With a little bit of practice, you will find that these skills are immensely powerful.

To gain confidence, start in low risk social situations. You might say to a Starbucks. barista, "You look really happy this morning."

Do this a couple of times with complete strangers who are to working as clerks. You will know if you've got it right because they will get a big grin on their face. Once you've done that a couple of times, try it on your angry kid or partner. Make it a throwaway comment and watch what happens.

Douglas E. Noll, JD, MA is an author, speaker, and professional mediator helping people solve difficult problems. Get his latest book for free, plus shipping, by clicking here: De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less

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