One of the most challenging aspects of developing a relationship is that there is a lot to learn about each other.
When one is young and innocent, one tends to think that if someone is fun, friendly, funny, smart and on a good track for financial success, then that automatically means that he is a good boyfriend and potential future partner for life.
Then imagine that these traits are coupled with other assets: he has good friends, is close with his family, is open and honest with himself, and treats a woman well. And of course, last but not least, he likes you.
You get along, you enjoy the same movies, you laugh at each other's jokes. These are the signs of a good relationship—right?
Oh, it is not that easy.
You might recognize these relationship patterns:
- The popular guy with several good friends and family, who calls every night to talk for hours. He's always in a good mood, got good grades, and loved his mother, but he also drinks alcohol excessively when he goes out with his friends. He couldn't seem to stay 'into you' for more than three months, so he would break up with you periodically. Two or three weeks later he would come back, saying all the right things: he missed you so much, and you were meant for each other. After this happens several times, a relationship becomes a roller coaster. Not a good fit!
- The hot, tech boyfriend, who everyone wants to date. He also loved his mother, can quote philosophers through the ages, and makes a delicious meal. He treats his dog like gold, but, you noticed he had some anger triggers. His incredible critical eye that helped him in his work also prompted him to be incredibly critical of you and everything you did. He could not decide if he loved you enough, and was ambivalent about whether or not he wanted to stay together. A month or two of closeness would be followed by a month or three of separation.
- The charming, multi-millionaire boyfriend, who gave you a credit card after only a month together, took you on exotic international vacations, and worshipped your mind and body as though you were a goddess come to life. After he knew you were solidly in the relationship, however, he was a downright jerk whenever you had a different point of view, constantly broke the promises he made to you, and was so busy working and obsessing about work that you often felt closer to the fancy clothes he bought you than to him.
- One of your friends set you up with a man she had known a long time. She knew him to be kind, caring, insightful, wise and dependable, so you were excited to meet him. You initially hit it off and shared passion-filled weeks, but for the next several months he was incommunicative, selfish, hot and cold, and bailed on the relationship. And no one was more surprised than you!
In each of the cases I described, these are men with good qualities, with women they were compatible with and liked a lot. Yet, there was a mismatch.
I have heard these scenarios many times with clients. The overriding issue is unresolved childhood emotional trauma, because although they were successful and good to their friends and families, these men were emotionally detached, unable to form a strong emotional bond with the person they claimed to love and who had a lot to offer.
Sadly, most of these men are still emotionally detached from a close intimate relationship. Fortunately, some do resolve their emotional issues and develop healthy loving relationships.
The Key Factors to develop a healthy loving relationship.
All these keys need to be explored for the relationship to develop and to "go the distance."
The first, and most important, of these Key Factors is the idea that BOTH people be able to "DEVELOP" a relationship—that both people are healthy enough to be good partners.
The second key is compatibility. However, there are things you may not realize: if someone is a loving, positive, strong person, then they will likely get along with everyone, even if they are not perfectly compatible. These men will be happiest and most able to love someone with whom they share strong compatibility, yet they treat everyone well. And if someone is not a loving, positive, strong person, then they will be less likely to get along with anyone, even people with whom they enjoy perfect compatibility. (This is "compatibility affliction," when someone is REALLY not healthy enough to be close to.)
And—as in the stories described above—if someone has great qualities, but is not healthy enough to be a full partner, then only a person with whom they share ideal compatibility will be able to be with them at all. Even then, s/he will likely disappoint. Get it?
In the realm of compatibility, this capacity to be a good partner is called just that: "Relationship Capacity," or "Capacity" for short. Compatibility Capacity includes:
- Physical: Caressing, cuddling, holding, hugging, kissing, and other forms of physical affection. Physical intimacy certainly includes sexual intercourse, but doesn't have to. As long as other aspects of the relationship remain sound, physical intimacy between partners can often last a lifetime.
Emotional: The willingness to effectively express and validate loving emotions in a manner that nourishes and is constructive. Willingness to respond affirmatively when the other person does the same. For example: "How are you feeling?" "I love you," "I appreciate you," "I like it when we talk like this," "I'm glad we spend quality time together," "You're important in my life," "I'm sorry."
A person's "heart withers if it does not answer another heart." —P. Buck
- Intellectual: Able to have a sense of kinship when they engage in discussions or endeavors with a partner who is an intellectual equal.
Shared Activities: Interactions that build positive memories of shared experiences.
"When partners spend time together, they can develop unique ways of relating that transform the relationship from an impersonal one to an interpersonal one." —Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor II
- Communication: Does his/her communication lift you up or bring you down? Contemptuous communication works like poison—it destroys the health and well-being of a romantic relationship.
Manage Conflict: With poor conflict resolution skills, couples typically engage in Fight, Flight or Freeze behaviors. They fight and stay mad, sometimes holding grudges for years. They flee and avoid important issues by sweeping them under the rug. Or, after endless arguments with no resolution in sight, they freeze emotionally and shut down. Someone who freezes in a relationship typically goes through the motions on the outside, but has stopped caring.
Successful couples solve problems and let them go. They focus on resolving the issue rather than attacking each other. Even when angry, they find ways to be upset and stay close at the same time. Once the matter is resolved, each forgives and lets it go. More importantly, successful couples learn and grow through their interpersonal difficulties. Like fine wine, their relationship improves with age and gets better over time.
- Compatible Financial Values: Numerous studies identify disagreement over finances as one of the top reasons couples seek marital counseling, as well as one of the top reasons for divorce. Jeffrey Dew of the National Marriage Project states, "Couples who reported disagreeing about finances once a week were over 30 percent more likely to divorce over time than couples who reported disagreeing about finances a few times per month."
- Manage External Adversity and Crisis Together: In highly successful and enduring relationships, the partners have the ability to stand together in the face of external challenges. A true test of a relationship is whether two people have each others' backs when times are tough.
Whether you are in a committed relationship or single and dating, these keys to long-term relationship success may serve as a "check-up" for your relational health and well-being. With self-honesty, openness, and a desire to grow, you can significantly increase the possibility of not only having a wonderful partner in life, but making the love last. Grow old with your life mate, knowing that in each others' warm embrace you have found a home in each other.
This moment is the first moment of the rest of your life. Are you willing to do what it takes to claim your happiness and success?
There is no shame in asking for assistance to create happiness and success. If you have read the books, taken workshops, had psychic readings, taken prescriptions and OTC drugs etc. and still struggle, you might have emotional blocks preventing you from moving into what your happiness and desires.
This is an investment in your happiness and success. Following the principles in this process will change your life forever and I want you to experience it yourself as soon as possible. Remember, only you can take care of your happiness and emotional, physical and spiritual health.
I offer a 20 minute FREE no obligation phone conversation to answer your questions and discuss how health and success is possible at drdorothy.net.
You are worth it. You deserve to create your happiness and desired success.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD provides a highly effective protocol to discover the root cause of all issues and diagnosed symptoms. Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Transformation (EPST) is direct, focused and combines creating health with healing the past. It is precise, powerful, virtually painless and an accurate way of changing the landscape of your inner and outer mind, body and spirit. EPST allows you to access your past, present and future, as well as your subconscious, and clear negative energy on all levels—Mind, Body and Spirit. Check out drdorothy.net.
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