Are You On The Quest To Find Mr. Right?


Are You On The Quest To Find Mr. Right?
Too often people don't realize that the dates they connect with are a reflection of who they are.

There is no goal more enticing for a woman then the promise that if you follow this path you will find the right man to share your life with. offers one opportunity for this venture, while E Harmony provides even greater reassurance that they have the man for you. Many prefer these ways to depending on friends or single places to narrow the search. However, after many disappointments and frustrating experiences with so called bad dates, there is a growing suspicion that seeking the “ONE TRUE LOVE” will never happen. And even those who initially marry their special someone, after a period of time they often find that he takes on a whole different appearance. The sweet, solid looking guy now wants to possess you and demands that you meet his absurd expectations. The knowledgeable man now discounts your voice in favor of his all- knowing superiority.

Many women find this result surprising in the face of their belief and clear commitment to achieve this goal. How can I be so open and yet end up with such despair. Some even give up on Mr. Right and settle for Mr. Okay, so they can at least say they are married. Perhaps this is why many women are leaving their marriages than ever before, as they feel further support that there just aren’t that many good men. In fact, many of the self- help books on dating relationships frequently comment on men being inadequate, such as in Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them or Men Who Can’t Commit. As an aside, if a woman is looking for the books that focus on female gaps they are out of luck since they haven’t been written yet.


The Great Myth

While many women may object to what I am going to say, the men out there aren’t failures or rejects, they are just men. I hold the same view for the women who are making the judgments. The problem lies in becoming aware that men or women can only get involved with someone who reflects their own level of development and maturity. The idea that you can meet someone who has less capacity or more capacity for love then you do is one of the biggest myths in the dating world. Any guy that someone gets involved with and has energy for is mirror of us. If we truly had a greater capacity for a man you meet you would not have more than loving disinterest for the guy in question. No critiquing or put downs, just disinterest.

Do you mean that I am accountable for my choices?

That is exactly what I mean. I recognize that in our culture and especially in dating people don’t want to see themselves as responsible for the mates they pick. Well, the alternative is to think that all these run ins’ are accidents and we are just walking around unconscious. The first step in changing your dating experiences is to take 100% accountability for your own dating track record. If you see a string of alcoholic men in your history then it is time that you admit that you like saving emotional cripples no matter how distasteful that may sound to you. The same is true if we see a pattern of married men or a litany of three month relationships.

Dating is a mirror

This article was originally published at The Relationship Doctor Bruce Derman. Reprinted with permission.
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Doctor Bruce Derman


Bruce Derman, Ph.D.

The great thing about my books is they provide you with a core understanding of relationship based on my 43 years of being a psychotherapist. They teach you how to move through your impasses without spending countless hours in therapy with the wrong therapist.                         

Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Credentials: PhD
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