A Major Relationship Clue: Where Are Their Feet?


A Major Relationship Clue: Where Are Their Feet?
Feet are just Feet?

It is important to remember that people who clearly have two feet in have nothing to
defend and nothing to prove, and they don’t usually talk in paragraphs nor are indirect.
Conversely, those who have two feet out don’t give double messages, nor do they walk away in anger and leave a trail for you to hook into. They just leave.

In no way does being married indicate that you no longer have to be conscious of where
a person’s feet are. I see many married couples who don’t have two feet in and hide their ambivalence and disinterest by constantly fighting with each other. Quite often the presence of ambivalent feet is due to the fact that the partners didn’t have a full yes even on their wedding day. They might have gotten married because it was time or the other was available, but they didn’t have a full emotional YES. After several years this gap will truly emerge and create a hostile distance between you and your partner. Another group of married people are constantly pretending and threatening to leave, but their NO is just a manipulation rather than a position that they can carry through with.


If you can use this awareness in your relationships as to where you and your partner’s
feet are, you can save yourself significant time and energy that is typically wasted in endless frustration as you chase after the one- foot- in-one foot out person or insist on not accepting the two feet out situations. One woman I know spent years of emotional angst to keep her husband despite him repeatedly saying that he didn’t love her or want to be with her. Another frequent occurrence is when people get ahead of themselves and want to believe that they are truly ready for a two- feet- in committed, intimate relationship when all the evidence says otherwise. There are no tricks here in relationship land. Ultimately, you can only be with your  emotional match and you will end up being confused and disappointed if you don’t honor this truth.

Whoever you attach yourself to needs to have feet that match yours or the relationship will not work. Two feet in go with two feet in and no one else. Two feet out go with two feet out. Any one foot in and one foot out person can only match up with its reflection. Remembering this can save yourself years of your life, as you will stop wasting your time attempting to change the obvious.

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Doctor Bruce Derman


Bruce Derman, Ph.D.


The great thing about my books is they provide you with a core understanding of relationship based on my 43 years of being a psychotherapist. They teach you how to move through your impasses without spending countless hours in therapy with the wrong therapist.                         

Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Credentials: PhD
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