How To (Finally) Get Over Your Breakup And Move On

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how to move on from a breakup
The first step to move on is accepting your part in the relationship's demise.

A second consideration is that all relationships are successful for what they are and we need to stop fantasizing that they are more than that. Someone who has a track record of three-month relationships will end the relationship with you according to that schedule. If you don't realize this, you will end up missing a relationship that never existed.

Another way to assume accountability is to ask yourself why you still want this relationship? Perhaps it is the part of you that wants a long-term committed relationship. So ask yourself, does the partner you are grieving over have that to offer? I'd be willing to bet that most of the time the answer will be "no." If you can let in this truth, your tears will become a thing of the past when you admit that this relationship is not what you really want.

Typically, people who are upset about a relationship ending give all the responsibility to the other partner. To support accountability, you both need to ask yourselves, "What role did I play in the demise of this relationship?" If you say none, then you will be setting yourself up for prolonged anguish. It takes courage to admit our part because most of us prefer giving the other the major blame. Well, it takes two to get into a relationship, it takes two to participate in a relationship and it takes two to end it. So be honest with yourself and ask what role you played no—matter how subtle or unconscious it might be—whether it was through dishonesty, characterizing or holding back. Failure to see this will definitely keep a person from moving on, as it allows the voice of our victim part to have a field day with our emotions. In contrast, see what happens to your sadness and your pain the moment you look in the mirror and say, "I am equally responsible for this relationship ending."

In supporting moving on, it is vital that we totally accept our partner's hurt and disappointment without countering it, defending or arguing it away. Just allow it. Disappointment is an essential part of the breakup journey. It is not a problem. It is the nature of ending a relationship and experiencing the loss.

A final point to consider is that a lot of endings are just threats and are not true endings. So before you regard a termination, as the truth, see if the words sustain beyond the emotional moment. We tend to over listen to the verbiage in this area, and get hooked into the emotional chaos of premature endings . Slowing down can be your best friend. If the one who is ending the relationship can say “I love you and I no longer want to be with you and display no hostility or blame, then you are looking at an ending that you need to take seriously.

If you can integrate this level of accountability into all of your relationships, you can make the moving on process much less dramatic and painful for yourself, and help you to prepare and improve your confidence and trust in creating the meaningful relationship that you desire.

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Doctor Bruce Derman

Psychologist

Bruce Derman, Ph.D.

www.therelationshipdoctor.net

The great thing about my books is they provide you with a core understanding of relationship based on my 43 years of being a psychotherapist. They teach you how to move through your impasses without spending countless hours in therapy with the wrong therapist.                         

Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Credentials: PhD
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