How Can You End a Marriage That Never Was

By

How Can You End a Marriage That Never Was
Many divorcing couples are under the illusion they had a real marriage. I propose this is false.

My particular interest in this perspective comes from being around many couples who choose the often painful path of divorce when in truth they had never showed up to create a “marriage” in the first place. As a result they are getting out of something that they were never in. They were only living under the illusion of being in a marriage in hopes that the other will fulfill their favored images and needs. When this illusion crumples in anxious disappointment, they both run for the divorce path so that they move on to another fantasy. Ultimately, without the commitment to creating a WE, all of these efforts which partners expend will only be self-serving.

As part of my work as a divorce coach in the Coalition for Collaborative Divorce, I do not want couples to end whatever they have had together based on the false premise that they were in a real marriage. I would rather hear them admit, however difficult it may be, that they were never committed to creating a real WE from the beginning and that their marriage was merely an image. From this equally humble place in which no one is to blame, they can have a chance to start over and choose to have a marriage in the true sense of the word. If after a period of attempting to support a WE relationship they still determine that they are not able to realize a shared vision, I support their desire to end it. At that point I would gladly participate in assisting them in resolving their divorce with humility, dignity, and no false illusions.

This article was originally published at The Relationship Doctor Bruce Derman. Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Doctor Bruce Derman

Psychologist

Bruce Derman, Ph.D.

www.therelationshipdoctor.net

The great thing about my books is they provide you with a core understanding of relationship based on my 43 years of being a psychotherapist. They teach you how to move through your impasses without spending countless hours in therapy with the wrong therapist.                         

Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Credentials: PhD
Other Articles/News by Doctor Bruce Derman:

The Illusive Demands Of The Committed, Intimate Relationship

By

In looking over the YourTango website on love and relationships, the words commitment and intimacy are prominently featured over and over again, and many a love-seeker is caught up in this quest. This pattern is similar in my psychotherapy practice in which numerous clients come in asking for my help in finding a committed and intimate relationship. Those ... Read more

How To (Finally) Get Over Your Breakup And Move On

By

It's one of the most difficult situations we face in our life: letting go of an intimate relationship that has ended (for whatever reason). After all, we have invested a lot of energy into this person and we thought it was going to be a love that would last forever. We believe that the reason our partner gave us for ending the relationship—as we claim ... Read more

Sex Video: How Do I Get My Wife Interested In Sex Again?

By

Do you have to beg your spouse to have sex with you? Wondering how you can get your partner interested in sex again? If so, our instructional sex video can help. In this video, sex therapist and YourTango Expert Bruce Derman says that unfortunately, sexual disinterest is a common dynamic in couples. He suggests talking things out. "Maybe she ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular