1. Real agreements – Couples who can support mutuality tend to make real agreements, not sloppy ones in addressing the thousands of situations that they encounter. A real agreement involves saying “YES” on all four levels; mental, emotional, physica, and spiritual .While it requires a greater commitment, these agreements stand up over time and don’t need to be gone over repeatedly.
2. The WE. A mutual relationship consists of three parts, in contrast to the presence of only two parts in unequal relationships. The three parts are your needs, your partner’s need, and the needs of the relationship itself. Allowing for the relationship to have its own integrity called The WE, helps couples to be grounded, open, and respectful. From this perspective the couple continuously makes reference in every conflict in asking what the relationship says, suggests, and mentions would best serve the couple’s
love and needs. An indication that The WE is present is that the statements shared are brief, inclusive, and never contain put- downs.
The benefit of appreciating and integrating the mutuality approach into your relationship is that the two of you will be experiencing a softening of your respective armors, as you leave behind your proving and defensive postures. From this place you will regard the other as your equal at the core. Couples who learn to be with their partner with a mutual attitude have considerably less desire to fight, put the other down, or be distant. When you realize that your partner is an equal reflection of you, there is no need to protect yourself and the doors of true intimacy are wide open.
Another benefit of developing an attitude of mutuality is that you will no longer be emotionally reactive to your partner, and go through a constant shifting of moving closer and moving away from each other. In this common dance one of you moves toward the other and then automatically the other moves back and away. Then at a certain point when the distancer starts to feel anxious and insecure, the distancer starts to moves forward until they can feel secure again about their partner’s interest and then the
game shifts again. The sad part of this repetitive dance is that the couple is never able to achieve any lasting closeness, since both partners see the other as a threat. All this movement reactivity dissipates when the couple sees their sameness in being equally afraid, as well as similar in their desire in wanting to be close to the other. When they can achieve that awareness they no longer need to protect themselves in this circular chase and can enjoy the stillness of being close to their partner.
Another consideration to think about is that only people who view their partners as unequal at a core level divorce. Couples with a mutual perspective hardly ever divorce. Have you ever heard anyone say, “He’s just as emotionally available and loving as me and I want to divorce him? I think not.
Finally, in recognizing their mutual equality, a couple no longer needs to use their differences to elevate or deflate themselves, and can now accept and integrate all their differences into the rich tapestry of their intimate relationship. The reflection they once feared is transformed into a powerful picture of their love