Step 4: Was it real love? Was he really in love with you and you with him? Or are you just trying to fill an empty void? As mentioned in Step 1 – when two people are truly in love, it brings you to a higher level. It’s inspiring, uplifting and supportive. I know this can seem a bit grandiose, so if you’ve felt any of these feeling with him for large chucks of time, proceed to Step 5
Step 5: Your strategy to get him back.
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- Realize that this is a negotiation and the first rule of negotiations … don’t have a stake in the outcome or you’ve already lost. If you want him back you have to act like you don’t, better yet, be truly indifferent. You just think he’s interesting and want to keep in touch with him.
- Keeping in touch with him. Be casual – “hey I was wondering if you had time for coffee to chat.” Don’t direct the conversation towards getting back together, let him direct the conversation that way. And if he does bring it up with a negative tone, acknowledge the issue and simply state we don’t have to talk about it if he does not want to. "I just wanted to keep in touch because I think you’re a good person."
- Confront the white elephant. At some point, you’ll have to confront the big white elephant standing between you two – the fight or issue causing the break up. Again, don’t direct the conversation let him navigate to it. When it does come up, if you made the mistake, admit you were wrong and acknowledge your role in the break up and apologize.
- Let him vent. He needs to get his thoughts and feeling on the table in a safe environment. This "clear's the air" and enables a new beginning. You can create that environment by staying calm, not trying to extract anything from him, and be open minded. But there is a limit. If he becomes hurtful, you have to stay strong to you. Communicate your boundaries – “I know you are hurt and I am sorry. I am willing to continue talking as long as our conversation is productive and not purposely hurtful.”
- Don’t ask for forgiveness. Let him forgive you in his own time. Asking for forgiveness is a form of indirect begging and shows signs of weakness. Be strong, live up to your values. If he does not forgive you, hey, move on - you're a great catch!
- Don’t say that you’ve changed, show that you’ve changed. Once the conversation heads down the path of forgiveness, you have to show that you’ve changed with your actions. And not for just a few weeks or month, but forever. This does two things: 1) it shows him and yourself that you have improved and you’re not just putting on an act; and 2) if you don’t change then the relationship will end up the same way again – with a break up.
Four Universal Relationship Truths
If you’ve made it this far with him, congratulations on winning him back. If not, don’t be disappointed, you can use these four truths in your next relationship: