If you ever wonder why people become dating coaches, this is one answer. Heartbreak & Valentines Day
Tuesday evening, my son and I were preparing Mustache tattoo postcards for his 3rd grade party on Friday. It's the perfect card for girls and boys. We decided to finish them the next day because it seemed to be getting late fast. He pleaded to wear one of the tattoos, a black goatee with a soul patch, to school the next day. I thought it would be just a tad too distracting for his classmates. So without too much cajoling from him, we decided to head upstairs for the night donning zero facial hair.
After the evening ritual of teeth brushing, and getting ready for bed, I followed him into his room. My son was curled up with a framed photo of my ex-husband and me. I asked him why he had it, and he said, "it brings back bad memories." We talked about the way he felt and he let me know that he wished that we were still together.
He's generally pretty happy with his new stepmom, his father, and his new family. Although his little Lego destructo 1-year 2-month old, now walking brother, has added an interesting mix to his life and has amped up the messiness of his room.
Our conversation and the picture led me to having some memories too, and they weren't all bad. But there were plenty of memories of being married, feeling lonely, acting like a doormat, and not living authentically. If you have ever felt like a doormat in relationships, you too can learn how to stop this self-esteem crushing behavior in Dina's new book.
My entire life (up until my now-ex-husband popped the question), I had always said I was never getting married or having children. Look at me now, ma! I've done both, and neither was intentional. But I am thankful for both. Having the pleasure of sharing my life with one of my soul-mates (my son), and a good friendship with my ex.
When my then-boyfriend and experimental band mate asked for my hand in marriage, it was quite a production. We were young, eating too much pizza, and playing rock-n-roll every day. It was my 25th birthday and I knew he was up to something.
First he gave me a yellow rose for friendship, and then took me to get a massage. That was weird. After I was all smoothed out from getting a rub-down, he handed me a pink rose for romance, just before our romantic breakfast at the Eat n Park buffet. After our scrambled eggs from a bag and some watermelon, we drove to Cooper's Rock State Park filled with falling leaves and plenty of doubts and questions falling around my mind and my heart.
He begged me not to look in the box that was sliding around his tiny red hatchback that he drove daily delivering pizzas. I was starting to wonder if he was thinking what I was thinking he was thinking. We hiked to a private spot off the trail with a vies to die for, while he held he shoebox held tightly under his arm. He threw down the blanket and he opened the cardboard Pandora's box.
In it was a bottle of fancy white German wine and 2 small glasses tied with perfectly matched white bows around each stem. This was coming from a guy who had the same clothes since high school and consistently wore t-shirts with more than one hole. I said, "Your mom did this, didn't she?" He replied sheepishly, "Yes," and out came the ring, the dropped knee, and then the proposal.
The first thought that went through this kissing bandit's mind was, "If I say yes, I'll never get to kiss anyone else ever again," and the second was, "How could I say no? That would hurt his feelings and I would never want to do that!" So I braced myself with the best smile I could muster and muttered, "Yes."
Here I sit, 16 years later with 10 years of marriage, a son, a divorce, plenty of heartbreak, and many lessons learned under my cute Vera Wang belt. Now I wonder, could we have worked out our marriage? Probably. I'm not sure if there would have been more pain working it out or getting divorced. I guess I'll never know, but I know I cried enough tears in one year to fill a small, aboveground backyard pool, or at least a big hot tub.
Why did I do the things I did? Why did I say yes, when I really wanted to say no? Because I didn't know how. I didn't know any better, or so I thought. What I had was a bad case of doormat-itis. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, because I didn't really know who I was. If you want to find out if you have doormat-itis, read this.
Thankfully, in relationships, we have plenty of self-discovery, (we've all had loads, right?), and every relationship I've had, I always think, "This one has the biggest lessons I'll even learn," and then I have another relationship and realize I will never be at a loss of having something new to discover.
I do my best to know more now than I knew then. And the heartache and less-than-optimal relationships I've had, is why I do, what I do.
My son has 3 words that are technically his least favorite. Dating, kissing, and of course, the word sexy. What can you expect from a 8-year old growing up with a mother who spends her time rewriting online dating profiles, reading books about the science of love, Cosmo, and helping people through the perils of being single and dating?
I let my son know that the reason I do what I do, is to help people have good relationships instead of bad ones. If what I do inspires one person on the planet to be their own Valentine, find one online or even have a date on Friday night, it makes it all worth it.
If you are single and are wondering how you got there, learn how to Stop Pushing Men Away & Get The Love You Want with Dina’s Free eBook you will receive when you sign up for her EPIC Love newsletter. Learn how to magnetize men with your feminine yumminesss and get yourself ready for EPIC Love, becuase it is out there waiting for you. Don't you want to be ready when it shows up on your doorstep? It could be your next pizza delivery guy.
More divorce advice from YourTango:
- Dating After Divorce: What You Need To Know
- How To Move On From A Painful Breakup
- Divorce: Expert Advice & Survival Tips