These pesky guys spoil the dating landscape with their creepy, invasive behavior.
After writing hundreds of online profiles on dating websites, and doing my fair share of online dating, I've seen and met online profile personalities that stick out like weeds in the proverbial love garden.
There are 5 deal breakers that show up in men's profiles that you should avoid like poison ivy. Just because it's pretty and shiny doesn't mean you should touch it because you might regret it later.
The sad part, the online dating scene is overrun with these "weeds" and their invasive personalities and creepy neediness. Don't email these desperate men back, don't look at their profiles again, (because he will think that means you like him), and certainly don't give him your number.
Luckily, their red flag behaviors are easier to spot than a naked man hiding behind a tomato plant.
So, let's dig up the absolute worst of men's online personalities so you can identify them and know to immediately toss them onto the compost heap. Here are the men to watch out for:
1. Bindweed Billy: Just like his name suggests, this dude is a Stage 4 Clinger! He looks sane on the outside and seems excited to connect with you — quickly! But in a way you do not want. Bindweed Billy is clingy and will never stop calling you. If he talks about jealousy in his profile, look elsewhere, ladies. Because if you go out with him once, your phone will never stop blowing up from his incessant text messaging in the wee hours of the night, making sure you're not even friends with another man.
2. Crabgrass Conner
This cranky guy is the kind of person who only wants messages from you if:
- You are not overweight.
- You do not have children.
- You do not want children.
- You do not smoke.
- You love dogs.
- You do not own a cat.
- You live in his zip code.
Is there anything he does like? If you go out with Mr. Crabgrass, you can count on getting bombarded with negativity all night long. And you will wish you had earplugs in your purse to drown out his complaining about ex girlfriends who smoked, had 10 cats, six kids and wanted to live in the city, which is "totally unacceptable" to him.
3. Quincy Quackgrass: This is the straight up crazy guy (or maybe he just smokes too much weed?). He'll tell you about the good old days in High School. "Those were the best times of my life," he croons. His favorite story was the time he tied his best friend to a tree because he thought it was funny. He laughs and laughs like an immature 15 year-old watching Anchorman. Every story he tells makes him sound nuttier and nuttier. Then he wants to know why you don't want to go out with him.
4. Creeping Charlie: Eek! Beware: this is the dude who messages you the split second you log online. He makes it clear that he stalks you and knows details that could only be tied together by looking at every single one of your social media accounts. Perhaps you made the mistake of mentioning in your profile that you're a writer. And another photo of you indicates which city you live in. Well, this creeper spent all night Googling every keyword combination possible until he found a matching photo of you (and links to your real name, real social media presence, and possibly home address). Stop all contact with this weed immediately! Better yet, don't start any contact. Period.
5. Dandelion Dudley: "Lookin' for love. Work hard, play hard. Down to earth. I like to do new things. Living it day by day." Clichés like these run rampant in online dating profiles, and while they seem like harmless, pretty yellow flowers, generic, cliche dropping guys quickly invade your online world until you despise them.
Yep, Dandelion Dudley is probably a "really nice guy" and "knows how to treat a woman." His profile certainly says so. But he has no real idea what turns you on. He'll never do you harm and may even be more handsome than his mediocre, predictable photos (i.e. drinking beers with his buddies, his shirt off at the beach, tailgaiting at the game with his "bros").
If you were to cave and date one of these deal breaker personalities, Dandelion Dudley is the way to go, but chances are you'll feel bored sooner than later.
Once you master the art of weeding the online dating field, you'll have more time to stop and smell the roses. There really are great men out there. Save your energy and love for them. Skip the weeds so you don't waste your time (or his).
If you need help navigating the online dating garden, Dina Z Colada is a seasoned online dating expert and is ready to help you get the dates and the love you want. Sign up for her EPIC Love Newsletter today and get the free tools you need to make dating an exciting experience filled with anticipation of what lies ahead.
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