5 Dating Disasters That Should Be Considered A Crime.
There is no body, or bodies for that matter, in any bathtub after any of these dates. These dating crimes have been so heinous, these guys should be banned from dating any woman until they read “Naked” by David Wygant. Since these “meetings” I keep a pair of handcuffs in the glove box. Not the fuzzy ones either, but the cold hard metal ones that are for serious bad date offenders. The names have been changed to protect the “innocent” until they are, ahem, proven guilty.
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Bad Date Story #1 Improbus Linguae
Being my first online date ever, I was wet behind the ears figuratively, then literally. The suspect seemed sweet enough on the phone. He was educated, pretty cute and could hold a decent conversation. I eagerly agreed to meet him for a walk on the trail. The walk was fine, but he wasn't just looking for a walk. I did kiss him (I was still new at this dating thing) and I thought he would swallow my entire head with his completely wide open mouth.
Verdict? Guilty of trying to swallow girl's head on first date.
Bad Date Story #2 Multo Vinum
Meeting this chef and amazing sculptor, sounded like a great idea. I walked in the local burrito shop for our first date. He greeted me with his big passionate eyes and wildflowers artfully wrapped in twine. I was impressed. And he was more handsome in real life. We each ordered a drink and some quesadillas. Then he ordered another drink before dinner. Another after. Then for kicks and giggles 3 more after that.
Verdict? Guilty of spending too much time with his pint glass.
Bad Date Story #3 Stupidus Scholasitcus
Psychology major wanting to learn about relationships. Great I thought, this is my main area of study. I happened to be in his town for business, and he met me in the hotel coffee shop. He arrived before I did and kept his “educated” booty in his seat when I walked in. I greeted him and proceeded to walk to the counter to order my own coffee.
Verdict? Guilty of saving $1.57
Bad Date Story #4 Antiqua Ignoramous
This guy looked a little rough around the edges, but he was a biker, so... He was a lot rougher and a lot older than I ever imagined, and he was 40 minutes late. When he did arrive, his first topic up for discussion was Marilyn Monroe. Great, I love her. She's one sexy mamma. Then he proceeded to talk about autopsies and toilets. The entire time.
Verdict? Guilty of engaging in potty talk.
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Bad Date Story #5 Sputum Planus
Smells of Giovanni sandwiches filled the air when I met this guy at an Italian Festival. We were sitting on a park bench by one another, listening to O Sole Mio. He was telling me a story about his cat Fluffy. Then he spit on me by accident. I blew it off. Then it happened again. Then again. By the 5th time I was wiping my face, seriously ready to grab a towel, and then I remembered that I had something to do 5 minutes ago.
Verdict? Guilty of having no control of his saliva, whatsoever.