These men ruin a hot makeout session.
I understand; I've kissed more than my share of men who didn't kiss like real men. They kissed like lizards and bologna sandwiches, metaphorically speaking. So, lets hop to it and get this bad kissing party started. Then we need to get our dating calendar and fill it will men who are great kissers.
1. The Lizard Kiss
This one was from long ago, thankfully. I wanted to completely block the memory of this doozie of a bad kiss, but to this day it haunts my brain. It was almost like this guy shape-shifted into a lizard, but retained soft human lips.
When my lips touched his, a quickly-moving up and down tongue came out and I didn't know what to do. I didn't think it would ever stop. Now, I know what it feels like to be a fly and I really empathize with them now.
2. The Bologna Sandwich Kiss
I got this line from romantic comedy when I was down with the flu. "I'm serious. Kissing him was like kissing a bologna sandwich." I laughed out loud at this one, because it perfectly described what it was like to kiss him. His tongue was lifeless and when it was moving; it was flopping around with no direction.
3. The Dirty Dog Kiss
This one surprised me a little. He seemed so suave and had the softest, slickest black hair. He had all the right moves in the beginning. I'm not sure exactly what happened. Maybe he was getting in touch with his inner Labrador Retriever? It went from a delicious, seductive kiss, to him licking the Burt's Bee lotion off my face (I had to sanitize and moisturize after that one). And to top it all off, all of my dog treats came up missing.
4. The Black Hole Kiss
I almost didn't make it out of this one alive! When he came in to make his move, his mouth was opened as much as someone experimenting with a wind tunnel. He not only engulfed my lips and my chin, but his lips almost covered my entire nose. I was literally gasping for air, it was so horrible. I thought no kiss could ever be as bad as this one.
5. The No Heart Kiss
This is a tricky one because the No Heart kisser has all the right moves, so it can be very deceiving. His techniques are so good that you might think there is an almost-chemistry. His lips feel great on yours, yet something is missing. This is the guy who has read every article and countless other books on kissing. His lips have a message for you: there is no real feeling, connection or no heart whatsoever.
There are plenty of good men out there, men who want to kiss you like no one has ever kissed you before. There are men out there who want to rock your socks off and love you for being you. There are men out there who want your decorative plates to rumble off the wall when you think about kissing him again on the second date.
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