Don't you think it's kind of funny how we expect ourselves and our partners to just magically “know” where our sexual sweet spots are?
Especially because chances are, no one has ever taught us about our own "pleasure anatomy," much less how to communicate, stimulate, and bring pleasure to others.
My favorite approach to “learning” the pleasure map of my lover’s body is to take some time outside of our everyday sex, to have what I like to call a “sex play date.”
This exercise is incredibly beneficial regardless of how long or short a time you have been together.
For new lovers- it can help take a lot of uncomfortable "guess work" out of the equation.
For long-time lovers- it can bring back a sense of "newness", exploration and discovery, which is so important in keeping long term relationships vital and alive.
The whole purpose of this sex play date, is to do just that. Play, explore, discover, with the only goal being mutual fun, pleasure and enjoyment.
This approach to sexual connection creates a no-pressure environment, which makes it easy to implement some of the following practical tips:
1) Decide who is going to be the “giver” and who is going to be the “receiver.”
2) Think of your pleasure on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being the BEST!
3) Now invite your “giver” to begin lightly touching and stroking your tummy, vulva/pubis, groin, inner thighs, and anywhere else you would like to be gently stroked.
4) Be sure to communicate with him/her verbally (i.e. with WORDS) about pressure, placement, letting him/her know what is a 10 or close to it.
5) This stroking will help you both relax and settle in with each other. Then I suggest starting your pleasure with some sort of genital massage. I like to think of this type of massage as “preparing the body for pleasure”
6) After your body has been prepared, it’s time for pleasure! Have your partner begin with hands, fingers, tongue, and/or mouth, and invite them to try different styles of stroking- for example- vertical strokes, horizontal strokes, circular motion, light pressure, more pressure, etc. etc, giving him or her verbal feedback about which style of stimulation you like the best.
7) Proceed in this manner until you find your "10 spot", and then relax and enjoy the ride, remembering to let him/her know if and when you want anything different. Our bodies change as we become more aroused and tissues become engorged, so change in pressure, direction, etc. is to be expected
The 2 most important keys to sexual happiness in my opinion are:
#1) Never expect that your partner “should” or does just know what you like. It’s YOUR body, so you are the one with the owner's manual.
#2) Keeping that in mind COMMUNICATE VERBALLY. This is not charades and your partner should NOT be expected to read and understand your “subtle body-language cues.” If they do, that’s great, but our partners are not mind readers or sexual body language experts. Remember -sex is a team sport and both players need feedback to win!