Whether you're going through a divorce or a serious break-up, you might think that the 'bigger' thing to do - or 'easier' thing to do - is to try and be friends with your ex. No need to act all aloof and distant after sharing a wonderful relationship for so long, right? No need to stop your harmless texting either, right?
I've seen it happen too many times to mention - women and men continuing their daily barage of texting as they simultaneously try and part ways. "But we're just being nice to each other," they say. "It's so hard to just cut someone out of your day-to-day life!"
I understand that. It IS tough to cut someone out of our daily lives, texting ritual included. But you are only making things harder and prolonging your pain by allowing him airtime on your phone; it's getting direct access to your brain and heart, too.
My client Cindy, who's going through a break-up, called me the other day upset over a text her boyfriend sent her. I sat there listening as she relayed ALL the messages they'd exchanged prior to the upsetting one. By the time she got to 'it', she was totally worked up because she couldn't figure out if there was an 'innuendo': What WASN'T he saying, what made him write that, was he handling the break up much better than she was?
My only question to her after a long pause was, "How's all this texting working out for you, Cindy?" To which she mournfully replied, "AWFUL. (sigh) I honestly don't know what's worse - not hearing from him, or hearing from him. Either way I end up feeling terrible."
Again, break ups DO hurt; they often DO feel terrible and for longer than we'd wish. But every time you pick up the phone to either Read or Send, mark my words it's a countdown till the smile on your face turns into a grimace. It's a countdown till he says something that you judge as 'unusual' or cold or incomplete or maybe, MAYBE, he doesn't bother to answer at all - THEN what?
So take a piece of paper, write down all the strong, sensible, REAL reasons why you decided to break up with him and carry it in your phone case. You didn't make those 'reasons' up. Your break up is happening for very good reason. Remind yourself of those and power up your logical mind before you activate your in-the-moment heart response.