But he always remained in control; patient, calm, and sometimes even amused. His goal was to make me learn more about me and MY needs. For that to happen, I had to be the one who went to him.
No doubt, much of what I experienced sexually with John involved my being physically “forced.” And my “need” to experience that was scary and weird to me—it seemed dark . . . twisted . . . violent. I feared some part me longed to be abused.
But I now realized that my fear was misguided. The sexual and physical control John exerted over me actually empowered me, not stole my power. The sex we’d shared had been the final gateway—a passage through which I was able to learn to trust a man again and to claim the ecstasy and power of my sexual energy as my own.
My “9 ½ Weeks” with Sir John the Dom forever changed me; our sexual exploration enabled me to become more of Delaine. I became more confident. I was more in tune with my passion and creativity and saw the value in keeping those channels open. I had more faith in her my body’s intuition and no longer quashed it without listening. And most importantly, I felt freer and more capable of expressing my wants and needs - not just in bed but in life.
(Delaine chronicles her erotic experiences with Sir John the Dom – and others – in her newly-released memoir, “The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom” (Seal Press)).
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