When infidelity happens, it takes both to pick up the pieces…

By

When infidelity happens, it takes both to pick up the pieces…
When deep betrayal rips at the fabric of a relationship, both parties end up hurt.

Recent articles in the New York Times,  Does Couples Therapy  Work? And Wall Street Journal, Couples Therapy for One: To Fix a Marriage, Some Go Alone suggest that couples therapy is not always the answer to fixing a broken relationship and I tend to agree.

Instead, understanding one’s own sense of self, becoming grounded and focused- that becomes the recipe for moving forward, whether you were the one involved in an affair, cyberaffair, cybersex or other activity that was not in the relationship contract, or the one who was blindsided by your partner’s behaviors.  It takes both people working on healing the hurt to get the relationship on track. It is not uncommon for the person who has been betrayed to take the stance that they did no harm so they do not need therapy… and that works fine… almost never.

 

Why? Because when deep betrayal rips at the fabric of a relationship, both parties end up hurt. While the person betrayed may not have any obvious part in their partner’s indiscretions, that person unfortunately becomes the collateral damage of those indiscretions.  The relationship is essentially involved in a train wreck. Regardless of who caused the train wreck, both people have been hurt and damaged and to get back on track, both people need to heal. Whether that healing is through individual therapy or coaching, couples counseling, intentional meditation, self-help books or workbooks- those are just the details. The most important thing is to heal from the wounds of the betrayal and feel good about oneself. Both must do this.

In many ways, infidelity and betrayal in a relationship becomes an opportunity for growth. Certainly we hope we embrace opportunities that don’t always come to us in the midst of crisis, but often, the crisis becomes the impetus for change.  If only one person seeks to grow, the other person is left behind and instead of the couple getting back on the train, one party steps onto the bitter bus.

Regardless of whether a couple stays together after the infidelity, healing and understanding are essential so the patterns are not repeated as the relationship continues, or into future relationships. People change after crisis and surviving the crisis of infidelity is no different. Knowing that the change can be for the better- that each party can decide to embark on a journey of self-growth that will enhance their future is the best chance at saving the relationship.

More Juicy Content From YourTango:

This article was originally published at DeeAnna Merz Nagel - Mental Health on the Web . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

DeeAnna Nagel

YourTango Expert Partner

DeeAnna Nagel

Wellness Coach * Intuitive * Psychotherapist * Reiki Master
Online Therapy Institute * Online Aromatherapy Institute
PO Box 392 Highlands, NJ  07732
877.773.5591 Confidential Voice/Fax

 

 

 

Location: Atlantic Highlands, NJ
Credentials: BCC, CPC, CRC, DCC, LMHC, LPC
Specialties: Business Management, Career, Wellness
Other Articles/News by DeeAnna Nagel:

Self-Reiki to Mend a Broken Heart

By

As a psychotherapist and coach I was always searching for “tools” I could hand my clients – meditation, visualization, self-help books and workbooks, soothing music, expressive art- but I never realized that Reiki was another very real self-care tool I could have been passing along to my clients.  In fact, had I known what I know now, I ... Read more

Enhancing Sex with Essential Oils

By

Essential oils and essential oil blends have long been used to enhance mood and libido. Using essential oils — oils that are pure — is like going back to the basics and creating a love mood free of artificial scents and ingredients. You may have heard that certain oils like chamomile can aid in relaxation, while other essential oils, such ... Read more

Are you an introvert? You're in good company!

By

Are you an introvert? I have a recently been following the tweets  and posts of Susan Cain and I looked forward to the release of her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking before the book came out.  I have long identified myself as an introvert, save for those few years in late adolescence and early adulthood ... Read more

See More

 
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular