Research indicates that married people have sex more often. Why is that?
I breathe a deep sigh of relief when couples come into my office and tell me that even though they are very unhappy, they are committed to the relationship. They may not feel in love with their spouse or significant other, but they REMEMBER feeling that way and are hopeful those feelings can return.
In addition, they are realistic about the down side of a breakup. Breakups are hell. Long term relationships that break up are a deeper hell. Relationships that have produced children and then break apart are an everlasting hell.
But back to commitment and the underrated idea that loving the other when the other or oneself is not very lovable is the average Joe's (or JoEllen's) best hope for great sex. Why is that?
The truth is that most people are innately insecure. So insecure that it is hard to believe that anyone can love us, much less like us. We "fail" when we haven't controlled our anger, when we look our worst, when we gain weight, when we spent too much money, when we come from such a lousy family situation, etc. You get the idea.
If miraculously, our significant other can convince us that he/she loves us in spite of our deficits, we are not just enormously relieved, we are delighted! We relax. We laugh. We can feel the pleasure of physical touch. We can open ourselves up to where the joy of physical touch might lead us.
So the next time you or your committed partner "aren't in the mood" try a little celebratory chat about how awesome it is that you love one another. Your love is based on something much more substantial than just emotions or even on how you have behaved that day—it's based on that amazing committment to love and honor. Your love has faced all the ugly, all the hard, and yes, truly, all the good times and bad.