Teach Your Children -- More Alternatives to Spanking

By

Teach Your Children -- More Alternatives to Spanking
When we discipline our children, the most important question is: What is being taught?

What are we teaching?

Children learn from us (and others), when we model a particular behavior, not from us telling them what to do. Ironically, we do much more telling than modeling.

What sense does it make to punish a child for taking another’s toy if they have not yet learned the concept of sharing? Responses such as slapping their hand, sitting them in the corner in time out, or jerking the toy from their hands and giving it to the other child, aren’t going to teach them to take turns and share if they haven’t yet understood the concept of sharing or taking turns.

An alternative to this approach is to model the appropriate behavior.

After everyone is in a calmer place, you get on the floor with them and the other child. Show them how to take turns by handing them the ball; ask for the ball back; then give the other child the ball. Repeat the process, making the teachable moment calm and fun. Both children are likely to get the message. While you are demonstrating, you can make comments about this is how you share. The repetition wires the experience in the children’s brain / body system.

Any child in a stressed-out place does not ‘have their ears on.’ Until they are calmer, they will not be receptive to hearing you, and until they can hear you, they cannot understand or ‘get’ your message. They will also not ‘get’ your message as long as you are in a stressed-out state about their behavior.

Alternatives to spanking

When parents move from that old fear-based parenting to love-based child-developmental parenting, it is important to remember these tips.

* Take a personal time out: Never discipline when you feel angry with what your child has done.

* Allow the child to ‘take a moment’: Once you are calm, if the child is still emotionally reacting, give them time to calm down. They will not hear your message if they are in a stressed-out place.

* Listen to their side: After you both have calmed down listen to what your child has to say about their behavior.

* Look at this as a teachable moment: Armed with an understanding of your child’s thinking, you may find that the misbehavior is really normal developmental behavior that needs your guidance rather than punishment.

* Tell them what TO DO: When considering how to help the child, reassure them of your love and then let them know that what they did was not okay AND what is the appropriate behavior next time.

Influence: the best tool for raising children today

Parenting is a very difficult undertaking and a sacred undertaking. Children need parents that understand where they are and how to guide them to where they need to be.

In this fast paced 21st century too often we look for quick fixes or when we’re under stress we revert to punitive parenting practices.

Controlling a child’s behavior may work when they are little, but over time, creates distance in the parent-child relationship. Distance in the parent-child relationship means lack of ability to positively influence, guide, and teach them. Distance from our children means they will turn their attention to their peer group for support, influence, and information. Without an influential connect with our children, we have nothing.

Instead of spanking

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by

Deborah Chelette-Wilson

Counselor/Therapist

Soulfull Woman Deborah Chelette-Wilson is a Licensed Professional Counselor, speaker and life coach who has helped many women find that elusive “something missing” in their lives. We are often pulled in so many directions, that it’s difficult to know how to put ourselves on our own To Do list. Deborah offers a 15-minute free life coaching session exclusive to YourTango readers to help you identify what steps you can take to finding a more stress-free and soulfull You.

Location: Winnsboro, TX
Credentials: LPC, NCC
Specialties: Empowering Women
Other Articles/News by Deborah Chelette-Wilson:

Responding From Love Rather Than Reacting From Fear

By

I actually had a reaction to thinking about this title. It sounds like it's something we'd say in "Fantasy Land." It may seem counterintuitive to even think that responding from a love is something that can be done in our age of chaos, uncertainty and escalating worldwide violent acts. It isn't. Responding from love is practical and ... Read more

Stop Dating The Same Types Of People Over (And Over) Again

By

I grew up desperately seeking love, kindness and guidance from parents who were unable to meet my emotional needs. It is not pleasant to admit that, but it is true. It is also true that I transferred that desperate neediness as a young adult into relationships with men who couldn't meet my emotional needs either. I've often said, "Men have been a ... Read more

I Was Abused, So I Took Revenge — And Became A Therapist

By

One of the things I have come to appreciate about myself is my willingness to continue to learn, to grow and to heal my wounds. I don't see how I can ask my clients to go into their dark places if I'm not willing to go into my own. Even with all my education, training and skills, when I work with someone, I need to be able to meet them with my heart in ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular