Fathers’ Actions Impact Daughters – My Own Experience


Fathers’ Actions Impact Daughters – My Own Experience
Our culture still doesn’t comprehend the impact a father has on his children's development.

In this 21st century our culture still doesn’t understand at a heart-ful level the impact a father has on his children for good or ill. In particular, our culture does not understand the impact of a father on his daughters’ sense of self-esteem. We understand how fathers are important in the lives of sons. Not to take away from that importance, we need to give the father-daughter relationship more attention.

Writing about fathers brought to mind my two fathers: my biological father and my stepfather. One was mostly out of my life and the other was a daily terror. Both hurt me and left a trail of “not good enough” in their stead. As the saying goes, you teach what you need to learn. Until now, I hadn’t considered that my biological father (whom I idolized as a child) had actually abandoned me. Though we had to move away when I was 7 due to my stepdad’s job, I didn’t learn until I was around 14 that my biological dad knew where we lived and our phone number.

More from YourTango: Guide to Becoming a Soul-Full Woman – Being a Belief Detective

For years I believed that my mom and stepdad were keeping me away from my biological dad and his side of the family. I felt that if he knew where I was he would come and rescue me from the abuse I was experiencing. But since he didn’t know where I was he couldn’t get to me. I held out hope that someday he would find me and save me.

I’m embarrassed to say that not until I was thinking about writing this article did this memory come to mind which sent a shudder through my whole body as I connected with this revelation. My mother was pregnant with her sixth child. One day I heard her on the phone and of course like a nosey teenager grew my ears wide to listen in.  “No she can’t come. I need her here to help me with the kids.” Then she hung up. I don’t remember her letting me talk to him. But when she put down the phone I asked her who it was.

“It was your dad. He hurt his back and he wants you to come and take care of him. But I told him I needed you here to help me especially with your brother coming soon.”

I knew not to show any emotions. Inside I was raging. How dare she not let me go to my daddy! I wanted to go but I couldn’t. I’m sure my attitude changed after that but I knew I had to reel it in or face the wrath of my stepdad.

But in that reminiscing moment I realized that no one had kept us apart but him. And he, like my mother, only cared about how I would take care of them and help them. There was nothing remotely about my needs or wants. No acknowledgement. How invalidating. Then it dawned on me that all those years I cried for him, wondered about him, wanted to run away from the abuse to find comfort with him, longed for the safety of his arms and kind words—he knew where I was and never contacted me!

More from YourTango: Taking Ownership Of Your Past To Become A 'Soul-Full' Women

Invisible learnings began to reveal themselves to me. My template for what to expect from men was rooted in my relationship with him and with my stepdad. What messages did my vulnerable innocent heart receive from these men? What did they teach me about myself, women, relationships and my value? 

Past my hurt, past my pain, past my tears, as my eyes clear I see—I see the intergenerational need for unconditional love to be passed on to our children. To do this we need to heal our adult wounds. It is time to pause. It is time to grow ourselves up. It is time to make love a verb.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Deborah Chelette-Wilson

Life Coach

Soulfull Woman Deborah Chelette-Wilson is a Licensed Professional Counselor, speaker and life coach who has helped many women find that elusive “something missing” in their lives. We are often pulled in so many directions, that it’s difficult to know how to put ourselves on our own To Do list. Deborah offers a 15-minute free life coaching session exclusive to YourTango readers to help you identify what steps you can take to finding a more stress-free and soulfull You.

Location: Winnsboro, TX
Credentials: LPC, NCC
Specialties: Empowering Women
Other Articles/News by Deborah Chelette-Wilson:

Guide to Becoming a Soul-Full Woman – Being a Belief Detective


Self awareness and our internal belief systems As we continue on our journey to being a S-o-u-l-f-u-l-l Woman, we are practicing slowing down and owning all of our lives. The next step is to U – understand and upgrade your beliefs about yourself. How many times have you given others the benefit of the doubt? How often have you said “They did ... Read more

Your Unconscious is Key to Self Awareness or The Purple Cow


Your Unconscious Is Key to Self Awareness The unconscious has a really bad reputation. We all know that it’s a very scary place and we shouldn’t be messing around in there, right? But with a little self caring, we can find light where before there was only darkness. In psychology classes we learn that the unconscious is a part of our minds that contains ... Read more

Taking Ownership Of Your Past To Become A 'Soul-Full' Women


Last month, we discussed slowing down as your first step on the path to becoming a more Soulfull Woman. (That’s S-O-U-L-F-U-L-L.) The next step on our transformational journey to living life as a Soulfull Woman is found in the letter O, for Owning. It’s imperative that we are responsible for taking ownership for our Self. When we make choices ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Relationships: Six Tricks To Get Her Back

Girlfriend Dumped You? 6 Tactful Steps To Take To Win Her Back

Tact is important when pursuing a reconciliation.

upset child

The Top 12 Things Your Kids Think About Your Divorce

It may be an "adult" situation, but the kids are very aware of what's going on.

Staying Dry

Snow White is Full of It: Rethinking the Fairytale

If you want a happily ever after, you must work for one.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>