Is your ego in charge of fixing your love life?


Is your ego in charge of fixing your love life?
Feel like you are on the self-help treadmill? Maybe your ego is the way of finding your true love.

I have spent countless years in the relationship help isle at bookstores and attending healing workshops on fixing my “single” problem. I would feel that uplift after reading a dating advice book or going to an event, but then something would happen to bring me back down again.

What took me so long to be free was that I was trying to work on myself through my ego. Every time I tried to heal a certain piece of me, another one would pop up like that whack-o-mole game at the carnival.  I kept focusing on the problem, trying to fix myself when that attitude was working against me all along.


I now tell my clients that when you focus too much on core false beliefs and your so-called wounded self, you fuel the fire and keep the energy around the idea of brokenness burning. You end up just rearranging furniture in your mind and not making any progress in transformation. Being single isn’t a pathology and doesn’t require the medical model for treatment. There is nothing to cure.

You cannot clear beliefs from your mind, only transform them into its opposite polarity. Every belief has its opposite and you can’t clear half of anything. Both sides exist in the same moment, all you need to do is refocus on what the side you want vs. your default view that creates your current results. You get what you focus on and if you are always focusing on what you want to clear you are actually making it stronger.

Your ego wants you to believe that good and bad are separate so it plays this game of ping-pong with your mind to keep you stuck. It will infiltrate your personal and spiritual development so finely disguised to preserve itself with your old patterns. The ego will tell you that what you want is out there and that the reason you don’t have love or wealth is because you are doing something wrong and you need to fix or heal something.

There is nothing wrong with you except your false self-perception. Your ego doesn’t want you to see the wholeness inside and your inseparable connection to the divine and all that you ever want in your life.

You are one with everything and everything that you want has already been created. Your true love is here and now in this moment looking for someone exactly like you. You don’t need to heal yourself, you need to grow your self-awareness so you can lift yourself out of the delusion that you aren’t good enough and step into the truth.

When you step back and connect to the divine within you, your ego drops away and you see things and yourself quite differently. Actually, you see how perfect you are without the masks and shadows that your ego likes to wear and cling to as a false sense of comfort.

The true safety is your knowing that there is one divine presence that has always been inside of you and will never leave. Seeing yourself through divine eyes will adjust your focus and you will start to become attracted to those who see with the same eyes. You will stop rearranging the furniture and start building a beautiful new home with a strong foundation for lasting love.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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Debi Berndt


Debi Berndt is the co-founder of, a personal development system for singles to stop fixing themselves and finally find true love. She works with her partner, Dr. Robert Maldonado (Psychologist). Their system was developed based on Carl Jung's work and influenced by Eastern Philosophy.  Debi is also the author of the bestselling book, LET LOVE IN. Get your free lecture and meditation - Why you are single and how to find love without fixing yourself here.

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Credentials: CHT
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