Are Dating Tips Sabotaging Your Chances Of Finding True Love?

By

Are Dating Tips Sabotaging Your Chances Of Finding True Love?
Dating tips work for some but the real secret to finding true love will surprise you.

"What am I doing wrong?" I hear this from men and women alike. Their relationships aren't working and they want an answer. And I want to say, "You are doing nothing wrong. The answer is NOTHING." The problem isn't in what you are doing but how you are being.

When I was single, I listened to the misguided advice of how to act and what men really want. I twisted myself into a pretzel to find the right mask to wear so that someone would find me attractive and stick around. No matter what I did, they still left because I kept falling for the unavailable person.

I spent many years obsessing over what I did wrong and backtracking the relationship to see where I screwed up. Did I act too needy? Did I call too much? Was I too available? Maybe I should have waited two more hours to call them back. I drove myself nuts trying to figure out the man-code. I felt like a failure at the dating game. When the dating tips didn’t work for me, I decided that if what I was doing was "right" (according to popular dating advice), then something must be really wrong with me. I had no control over my destiny and felt that there was something in me that I couldn't fix with behavior. I believed I was one of those girls who just didn't get married or ever have a real boyfriend.

Now that I am in a relationship, I can look back and see how harmful those ideas were to women and men alike. Suggesting that someone was dysfunctional or didn't know how to behave on date is a terrible message to people who already feel so stuck and blame themselves for being single. The right flirting tips or first date etiquette is actually insulting to a mature woman or man over thirty. Let's face it. You aren't in junior high anymore and you know how to relate to people. You don't need to go to dating school or dating rehab to fix yourself. You are not broken.

My personal opinion is that you can do all the wrong things if you are with your true love. Your true love will never leave because they are a reflection of your own unconditional love toward yourself. The fastest way to love is when you just relax and be yourself. When you are comfortable with yourself, your heart is open, your agenda isn't rigid and you can be playful. You can be the true you.

The only way to find the true you is to drop the act and see the pure self inside after your surface ego persona falls away. This real self is the part of you that never changes from age to age, job to job, relationship to relationship. The true self is your silent partner, waiting on the sidelines watching you do romantic gymnastics when inside patiently waiting to be reclaimed and expressed through you.

To discover the true you, you must understand your Love Shadow, which is unconsciously hiding your true magnificence.

So, there are no love rules except your own. You can follow the sheep and become a robotic carbon copy of the official dating tips bible or you can let go of the mask that is covering your real self and show you true magnificence. If you act in your ideal role, you will attract someone into your life that wants to be your co-lead and have that happy ending. That's what we call Creative Love™, you unique expression of love that is natural and real.

More dating coach advice on YourTango:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Debi Berndt

Author

Debi Berndt is the co-founder of CreativeLove.com, a personal development system for singles to stop fixing themselves and finally find true love. She works with her partner, Dr. Robert Maldonado (Psychologist). Their system was developed based on Carl Jung's work and influenced by Eastern Philosophy.  Debi is also the author of the bestselling book, LET LOVE IN. Get your free lecture and meditation - Why you are single and how to find love without fixing yourself here.

Location: Santa Monica, CA
Credentials: CHT
Other Articles/News by Debi Berndt:

Drop the fear of never finding love and it will find you

By

Do you feel that no matter what you do, nothing seems to work out for you in your love life? The years are passing and you fear that you will be spending the rest of your life alone. Sometimes the fear is so great that you break down and get triggered after a bad date or someone you liked fell away. Your fearful ego is driving your efforts and, instead of ... Read more

Always Getting Rejected? 3 Ways To Love Yourself Anyway

By

You hear people tell you, "you have to love yourself first," before someone will love you. This common self-help quote didn't help me much. I tried to love myself. I took confidence workshops and I said my affirmations, but when someone I liked stopped calling, my positive thoughts turned into self-hate again. I thought, "What is wrong with ... Read more

Pop Your Comfort Bubble & Open Up To Love

By

Are you afraid of being alone and single? Do you wonder if the search for true love will ever be over? Do you obsess over the idea, "what if I never meet anyone?" Most singles say being alone scares them and they fear never meeting that special person. The unconscious mind, however, is always moving you away from what you fear and trying to keep you ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

FROM AROUND THE WEB