Dating tips work for some but the real secret to finding true love will surprise you.
"What am I doing wrong?" I hear this from men and women alike. Their relationships aren't working and they want an answer. And I want to say, "You are doing nothing wrong. The answer is NOTHING." The problem isn't in what you are doing but how you are being.
When I was single, I listened to the misguided advice of how to act and what men really want. I twisted myself into a pretzel to find the right mask to wear so that someone would find me attractive and stick around. No matter what I did, they still left because I kept falling for the unavailable person.
I spent many years obsessing over what I did wrong and backtracking the relationship to see where I screwed up. Did I act too needy? Did I call too much? Was I too available? Maybe I should have waited two more hours to call them back. I drove myself nuts trying to figure out the man-code. I felt like a failure at the dating game. When the dating tips didn’t work for me, I decided that if what I was doing was "right" (according to popular dating advice), then something must be really wrong with me. I had no control over my destiny and felt that there was something in me that I couldn't fix with behavior. I believed I was one of those girls who just didn't get married or ever have a real boyfriend.
Now that I am in a relationship, I can look back and see how harmful those ideas were to women and men alike. Suggesting that someone was dysfunctional or didn't know how to behave on date is a terrible message to people who already feel so stuck and blame themselves for being single. The right flirting tips or first date etiquette is actually insulting to a mature woman or man over thirty. Let's face it. You aren't in junior high anymore and you know how to relate to people. You don't need to go to dating school or dating rehab to fix yourself. You are not broken.
My personal opinion is that you can do all the wrong things if you are with your true love. Your true love will never leave because they are a reflection of your own unconditional love toward yourself. The fastest way to love is when you just relax and be yourself. When you are comfortable with yourself, your heart is open, your agenda isn't rigid and you can be playful. You can be the true you.
The only way to find the true you is to drop the act and see the pure self inside after your surface ego persona falls away. This real self is the part of you that never changes from age to age, job to job, relationship to relationship. The true self is your silent partner, waiting on the sidelines watching you do romantic gymnastics when inside patiently waiting to be reclaimed and expressed through you.
To discover the true you, you must understand your Love Shadow, which is unconsciously hiding your true magnificence.
So, there are no love rules except your own. You can follow the sheep and become a robotic carbon copy of the official dating tips bible or you can let go of the mask that is covering your real self and show you true magnificence. If you act in your ideal role, you will attract someone into your life that wants to be your co-lead and have that happy ending. That's what we call Creative Love™, you unique expression of love that is natural and real.
More dating coach advice on YourTango:
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- The Best Dating Advice On YourTango