It isn't what you did on the date but before you met that needs to change.
By Debi Berndt-Maldonado — Written on Apr 10, 2013
One of the top Google search terms in the love category is about why the man didn’t call. I disagree with what most dating experts say about what men want and the do's and don'ts because I believe you did nothing wrong on the date. You didn’t say too much, act inappropriately or look too fat or too old. The reason he didn’t call is because you are attracted to men who would not call you no matter how fabulous you are that evening.
Women stay single way too long (and I was one of them) because they are focused on the wrong issues in love. All the advice books led me down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and feeling like I was doing everything all wrong. I was so hard on myself after every short-lived romance fell apart and felt like nothing was ever going to change.
When men don’t call, you try to figure out the cause so you can get the outcome you want. You ruminate over the date, conversations on the phone or via email, wondering what you said or should have said, trying to analyze your behavior so you can correct it and do it right next time. This won’t get you anywhere because the real cause is hidden in your subconscious.
The key to finding love in your life isn’t following someone else’s code of dating ethics, behavioral guidelines or being upbeat and positive even when you feel down. The only way to break free is to uncover why you attract men who don’t call in the first place and then you will start to see some powerful changes in your dating life.
You may be assuming that it is your core beliefs that you aren’t good enough or that you feel unlovable. But, if you are aware of them and knowing these things still doesn’t change your results, then that isn’t enough. I know because I knew my core beliefs backwards and forwards for years, but still I kept doing that automatic b-line to the hot guy who wouldn’t call every time. It is what you don’t see that holds the key to your heart.
So how do you discover something that is unconscious? The clues are everywhere if you know where to look. First, instead of asking why he didn’t call, ask yourself, “Why do I care so much?” or “Why does it hurt so much when someone doesn’t like me?” Feel uncomfortable? That feeling of angst is connected to something not conscious, it is a direct line to the underlying cause of why you are still single.
As you ask the subconscious mind questions, it has to answer. Don’t be afraid to find out about your default attraction to unavailable men. The truth is really not as scary as you think. It is deeper than your personal history and it will feel so silly to you that you wish you would have faced this sooner.
The underlying anxiety about the disappearing men will not go away so you really have to face it, understand it and bring it to the light so it doesn’t have power over you anymore. Most people misunderstand emotions and think if they “clear them" with a magical technique that painful feelings will disappear. But, many techniques just drive them down deeper to the unconscious and actually make them stronger. By facing the feeling, instead of trying to mask the pain by finding another man to date, you can be free of needing a relationship and come from a powerful place of demanding you deserve it.
Become more powerful than your uncomfortable emotions and you will have more control over your life. Pretty soon you can be able to face someone not calling and say, “Who cares why he didn’t call…next!” You won’t take it personally and you will be free from the stickiness of neediness.
Ultimately, you shift the cause on a deep level, stop attracting men who are unavailable and find someone who matches your true inner power. Someone will show up who is also brave enough to face the discomfort of approaching true intimacy and the amazing energy of true, lasting love. He will always call and never let you wonder how he feels about you.
This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.