You walk into Starbucks® and see the menu of options. You wonder if you should you get the grande or the tall, the cappuccino or the latte. The line is moving and it is almost your turn. There is a little tension building inside of you about what to order as if the world will fall apart if you picked the wrong size. Then, you place your order and then all of a sudden the unpredictable becomes predictable, the tension releases, and with your mind empty you wait for your order. You know what is coming to you and you feel satisfied and certain that it will be delivered in less than three minutes. You think to yourself, would it be great if I could just order a Mr. Right this way?
Sounds silly, but you actually can place an order for love. You give direction to the universe all the time of what you want through your thoughts and actions. Sure, most of what you give out is unconscious and you end up getting something you didn’t even know you were asking for like that unemployed college drop-out you’ve been dating. Or, you probably didn’t realize that you ordered your last marriage or the tumultuous years with the cheating boyfriend. Yes, all of your relationships were chosen by you.
More from YourTango: Pop Your Comfort Bubble & Open Up To Love
So many singles believe that their broken heart was caused by the other person as if they were an innocent bystander. This victim mentality only leaves you powerless and helpless to the fate of the world of dating. That guy may have been a jerk, but you chose to like him. You decided that he was attractive and allowed him in your heart. He may have been a manipulating liar, but he didn’t force you to love him. He was just being himself.
In your defense, most of the decisions you make in love are unconscious. You are automatically drawn to people who match how you feel about yourself inside. If you don’t feel good enough, you will think the jerky guy is really hot. If you had more confidence, you would see through his manipulating ways and know that he was not good enough for you. It may take a few broken hearts to finally realize that enough is enough to break the cycle of dysfunctional attraction, and for some it may take decades.
More from YourTango: The Real Reason You Haven't Found Your Perfect Partner
The first step to changing your love order is to take full responsibility for your past relationships and forgive yourself for making those choices because you didn’t know any better. Then, look at the pattern of the past three relationships and ask yourself, “Why did I order this?” Did you believe you deserved to be treated that way? Did you feel afraid to communicate your needs and keep your boundaries? Did you ignore the red flags because you were so desperate to be loved?
Most of your dating decisions are made when you are romantically intoxicated. Blinded by the delusions of the person because of their looks, charm or even potential for financial stability, you gave your heart to them. The root of these choices stem from an unfilled need that you mistakenly thought this person would provide for you. If you can fill that need yourself, you can then place an order for love without the needy strings attached.