Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of experts to you

Finding a man isn't the answer

Looking for a man to fill a void in your life will lead to heartache. Find yourself first.

Many singles tell me that they think that having a relationship will solve some problem like loneliness, heartache, insecurity or sadness. They blindly believe that a man will come in on a beautiful white horse and make them feel better. Spoiler alert…a new man in your life will not solve any of your problems; he will only magnify them.

I used to believe that the key to happiness was inside the man and would get so excited when I met someone new. I would sing, “my heartache days are over.” Without fail, every relationship was the same. Eventually all my insecurities would come out like a full-blown outbreak within the first few dates. The initial happy feelings quickly turned to anxiety as I struggled walking on pins and needles wondering if they were going to call or bail on me…again.

I am living proof that no matter how many men you date, after a while it isn’t a numbers game anymore. I had to look at myself. I finally realized I was the common denominator and I didn’t need to find the right one, I needed to start being the right one to change my love destiny.

You attract who you are being. You will always attract the same type of person if you act and believe the same way. In order to get a new result, you need to be different. You can’t drag along the same hopeless heartache girl into every relationship and expect that your relationship will be blissful.

So many women I speak with are incredibly anxious for love to arrive asap. They want to attract love in 30 or 90 days, but they aren’t emotionally ready for the love of their life. They are still desperate, needy and insecure during the dating process. Finding someone you have chemistry with when you aren’t emotionally ready will only make you feel worse about yourself, not better. Just look at the divorce rate and the married people around you, most are still projecting their own inner hurts to their partner and causing drama.

You will always attract your perfect match to the exact level of self-love you have within you. You think your negative chatter is hard to listen to? Well, get into a relationship and hear that inner dark voice in surround sound. If you don’t clean up your thoughts inside, they will be projected into the words and actions of the men you date and thrown back at you like a boomerang.

The bottom line is that finding the right man isn’t the answer. You have to become the woman who is adored by your ideal man. You can settle for a mediocre relationship and leave your skeletons in the closet. There are plenty of superficial partners out there for the taking who will stuff their feelings along with you that would be your match. If you want an amazing true love, you have to put on your big girl pants and step into your powerful self.

First, look at how you treat yourself. What do you spend money on? Are you always last on the list? Are you constantly putting yourself down? Do you take care of your body?

Second, look at how you let others treat you. Are you respected? Do you allow criticism or verbal abuse? Are you in a physically abusive situation?

Lastly, identify your true powerful self. Who would the lovable you be? How would she act, who would she hang around with, and how would she date?

Make a commitment to yourself that you will make the change. If you had problems attracting healthy relationships in the past, you cannot keep being the same person. You must be willing to let go of the old heartbreak identity so you true self can shine. Remember, this isn’t about changing who you are, but letting go of the lies so you can really be truly YOU.

This can be really easy in theory, except the transition takes a bit of effort because the subconscious will try to fight off the new you. The habit of being the old you is strong, even if it doesn’t make much sense to keep it up. The key is finding a proven system or guide to traverse the resistance that will appear when you step outside of your dysfunctional comfort zone. Most singles are so caught up in their poor mental, emotional and physical habits that they need help to break free of them and create a new path of love in the future.

Since relationships magnify who you are being, imagine what happens when your real true amazing self gets magnified? How cool is that? An amazing love is waiting for you and you have the power within you to draw it in to your life. Don’t rush into a relationship before you are fully in your power or you will end up settling for less. You deserve more. Remember, he is not the answer. You are the answer to your dream love relationship.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.

Author

Expert

From our Partners

Explore YourTango

MOST POPULAR