Single and struggling in the dating world. Find out the reason for your troubles.
Many singles tell me they have a problem getting a love interest to stay in their life. Everything starts off fine but then the guy disappears a few weeks into the relationship. After an intense pursuit of her love, he just stops. Now, you can read all the rules and understand men until you are blue in the face, but you if you have a “love leak” this is what will happen to you no matter how clever you are in your dating tactics.
Imagine carrying a bucket with holes in it. You keep trying to fill up the bucket with water, but the water keeps pouring out. This is how most people approach searching for true love. They enter the dating world hoping someone would just plug up their “leak” and fill up their life with what they perceive to be missing. This, of course, does not work because the potential mates will continue to come and go but no one will stick around.
What is a love leak? I coined the term when I thought about the reasons why people pursue love. Look beyond the obvious reasons such as to have some company, to share your life with someone, and having a family. The distress or anxiousness about being single is something deeper. Many people search for that love relationship to fill a void in their life from a past unmet need. Not to get all Freudian on you, but many times it is about healing their relationship with one of your parents.
For years I used to try to find love in order to win my Dad’s love unconsciously. I know it sounds so textbook psychology 101, but it is very real. Even if you have a great relationship with your father now, you could have some incomplete feelings from childhood that haven’t been addressed. That little girl inside of you is still looking for Dad to pick her up and tell her that she is loved.
Fast forward to adult life, I really wasn’t searching for true love as much as fixing my unlovable problem. I believe that if I could just find one guy to love me then I’d be ok. Of course, as each man entered my life there was never enough love to fill me up. I kept leaking and became very needy for their attention. It was a mess and the guys I dated were wading in it.
All it took for me to shift my love life was to turn to my Dad directly and have an open conversation about our relationship. I told him I was scared but wanted to be closer to him. He told me that he was also scared and wasn’t brought up to be all emotional and open, but he was willing to try. Just one phone call and my leak was plugged! I met my awesome guy about 8 weeks later and he stuck around because there wasn’t anything he needed to constantly fill to make me feel good about myself.
The best part about repairing this issue with my Dad is that we got to spend the last years of his life having a closer relationship. When he got sick with cancer, I was able to do healing work on him. We created a bond that allowed such a wonderful exchange to happen. He passed away a few months ago and now I have amazing spiritual experiences with him on the other side. Our relationship continues to deepen and grow beyond what I thought was possible.
Love leaks are formed from anything you feel incomplete with in your life. Is there someone you need to forgive, including yourself? By plugging up the past, you stop the leaks projecting out in to your love life to find the plug. You begin to feel more full and powerful without a need to draw love from someone else, but to share the abundance of love that is overflowing.
Not everyone can have a healing like I did with my Dad. Some parents continue to criticize or emotionally abuse their children as adults. Sometimes the healing comes with walking away and loving yourself enough to leave the abusive relationship regardless of family pressure. Once you make that choice for yourself, you no longer need to blame that person for your terrible dating life. You can shift your focus to here and now and take care of you. The leak is plugged because that person is no longer draining your energy and you let go of every having their approval to feel good about yourself. That is true freedom!
The love leaks are the misperception that something is missing in you that needs to be filled with another person. It is wonderful to having a loving partner but your couple status doesn’t make you better or more evolved than when you were single. Nothing external can give you anything that you don’t already have within you. Once you realize this, the leaks disappear.