Many singles believe that they will be complete when their ideal partner arrives. They look forward to the time when the hard road of singlehood is over and they can relax in the comfort and safety of a relationship. They can celebrate as they finally reach the love finish line. It may seem comforting to know that there is an end to the madness but this type of thinking creates a trap which can lead to more Mr. Wrongs and broken dreams.
One of the biggest pitfalls in personal development work is the idea that there is a finish line. When I was single I used to be so anxious about being perfect enough so a man would love me. I would work so hard on myself with books, workshops, healers and techniques only to stress out when I made mistakes. Instead of feeling better, I was continually beating myself up thinking I have so much more to learn until I meet him. I was getting impatient and frustrated with myself and the whole process.
The idea of approaching your search for love with the attitude that there is something broken within you that needs to be fixed is dysfunctional in itself. You are telling yourself that you are broken so you try to fix yourself which just reinforces the belief that you are broken and need to be fixed. Yikes! It is like a dog chasing his tail, going in circles and never really getting anywhere but feeling worse and deeper in the hole of self-hate.
You may try to solve this dilemma by rationalizing that if you find the one and HE loves you then you’ll be okay. Halleluiah, you are healed! You dream of a day when he will save you from feeling so bad about yourself and you can go off into the sunset and live happily ever after in the suburbs with the picket fence, kids and the dog. Problem solved, there’s the finish line.
Now even the long-distance runner who feels the relief on his body as he finally passes the finish line knows that there is always another race, another shiny ribbon to cross. It isn’t a part of his nature to just run one race and it isn’t a part of our nature to live in inertia. We are always moving in one direction or another and we never stop which scares the heck out of us. We search for a safe place to rest such as finding true love but relationships are not static.
Finding a great partner is wonderful, but meeting him is only the beginning. You continue to grow in the relationship either becoming closer and expanding your consciousness or slowing drifting apart and losing that loving feeling. Just like us, relationships are always evolving and there is no end point.
There is no use trying to make yourself good enough to attract the perfect relationship. You will always attract the type of person who reflects your current consciousness. Each party in the relationship will have their unhealed places, quirks and issues. The ideal partner is someone who loves all of you, even your dorky laugh and incessant compulsion to overanalyze or clean.