In an article that I wrote “Reasons why a husband does not want to have sex with his wife.” the article received over 1400 comments on this taboo subject matter. This is one of the comments from the article about a woman seeking help for her sexless marriage.
Dawn can you please help me with this:
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I have been with my husband for 18 years. The last 11 he's lost all interest in me. The last year it's been horrible to try to get sex from him. When I do, he has to force himself to be with me and he's done in literally 2 to 10 seconds. I don't get any satisfaction. He says he loves me and he's still attracted to me but I don't think so. What do I do? We can't talk about this because he gets mad. I feel like I'm with someone who can't stand to be with me. I do try to take care of myself so I don't understand what the problem is. I look nice, dress nice, but he never notices me. He looks through me instead of at me. Like I'm a ghost. We used to have an awesome sex life. But now he can't stand the thought of being with me. I try to flirt with him, undress in front of him, wear sexy things, but nothing works. Why doesn't he want to be with me anymore?
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In answering the question it is important to understand that rejection by a spouse in any form can be hurtful, but a man rejecting a woman sexually can be even more devastating. The belief that men are the ones who always want sex and the woman does not is a myth. For the woman seeking help, her situation after 18 years of marriage to a husband who is not willing to even talk about the problem, makes her feel even more rejected, and hopeless about her marriage.
A person cannot be forced to do something that they don’t want to do, and clearly her husband is not interested in fixing the problem or simply does not know how and has given up on it. The fact that he seems to be in denial of the problem and no longer wants to talk about it but still tells his wife that he loves her is the confusing part about this comment. What has happened in this marriage is not as uncommon as people may think.
The advice that I would recommend to her, is to concentrate on what will make her feel better about herself, that has nothing to do with her marriage. She has to stop putting the energy into her marriage and start to put the energy into building up her self esteem again. A person can only change themselves, not someone else. With the change in her it will affect the dynamics of the marriage, and she will no longer feel helpless or hopeless, but proactive in her own growth. Her husband may or may not come around but in the end she will feel better about herself because the energy that she had been putting into changing him will now be put into changing herself in a positive way.