Too much porn: Is he addicted or not?

One question that I get asked frequently as a clinical sexologist from women on the topic of porn and marriage; is my husband addicted to porn, it is destroying my relationship, how do I fix it?

A common scenario concerning porn is a wife catching her husband watching it and then not knowing how to feel or what to do about it. From the man's perspective, he will usually feel some kind of guilt or shame over the situation depending on the circumstances.

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The situation of a man watching porn is more complicated than at first glance. One factor that is rarely pointed out, is the fact that before marriage, a man may have masturbated to porn on a regular basis. The porn was his go to place for sexual release as well as stress release. He may even have learned how to please a woman from watching porn (which is not what most women would find pleasing). When he gets married he most likely may occasionally look at porn but, if the sex is good, he is happy then his focus will be on her. As the marriage continues, and most marriages goes through ups and downs especially sexually, he will turn back to his old habit of stress and sexual release watching the porn. This is when the problem can start and if not fixed in the early stages, it can turn into a situation where the porn replaces the sex in the marriage or takes away from the intimacy.

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I am not against porn or erotic material in a marriage when it is shared by the couple, in fact I promote healthy positive erotic ways of stimulating sex in marriage. Some porn has taken a new direction, where it is geared towards couples and women. Watching porn together can be exciting, watching porn alone instead of having sex with a spouse on the other hand can take away from the intimacy and sex in the marriage. One way to stop the porn “addiction” from getting out of hand is to work on the sex in the marriage and keep it exciting and fun, the other way is to communicate about sex in the marriage. All too often couples do not openly communicate about sex in a marriage. Most husbands that watch porn are not truly addicted, they just find it to be an easy way to deal with sexual release and stress.  Instead of watching porn alone this can be channeled into better sex with his wife and more variety in the sexual intimacy between the couple, promoting working on sex in the marriage and getting help if needed.

For more information watch this two part series on “Too much porn” and “Is he addicted?”