So many of you ask me, "David, why can't I find a decent guy to settle down with and marry? It's not fair." Today I'm going to answer that question once and for all. First, let me ask you a question; have you spent time with a kid around toddler age? Not only do toddlers live in a world full of imagination, but they're also extremely selfish. They don’t mean to be. Toddlers aren't evil creatures from another world. It's just the way children are. "I want Ice cream now! I want chocolate now! I want that doll now!" They want what they want now, and if they don't get it, they let you know how unhappy they are about it. Rationalizing with a toddler is also a crazy experience. For example, a while back, my daughter didn't like sleeping at my place. I tried to find out why for ages. To begin with, her reason was, "It's just because." After digging around for a while, we finally got down to the real reason, which was that she wanted to have a room exactly like the one she has at her Mom's place. That makes sense, but trying to get the answer from her was like getting blood from a stone.
So what does this have to do you with you, and why you're single? Think about it. Living in their imagination, demanding things and hard to rationalize with. Does it sound like anyone you know?
The reason you're not married is because you date like giant toddlers. Right now, I want you to close your eyes for me. Let's see if you suffer from "Princess Syndrome" like so many other women. With your eyes closed, I want you to picture the type of man you'd like to marry. Is he fit? Does he have rippling muscles? Is he rich? Is he going to rescue you from being single and ride off with you on his Harley? Most women come back to me with answers like, "He's tall, dark, he has a great body, he's wealthy, he's amazing with children and he wants to get married."
Most women want a man who fits their perfect template, and they get angry when men can't live up to that image of perfection. No man will ever tick every one of your boxes. The same way as no woman can ever be 100% perfect for a man. Real love starts from within you. You have to surrender to yourself before you can find love. You have to free yourself so you can go on a spiritual journey to find someone you connect with the most. Love is a deep, soulful connect which can never be based on material things like looks or money, but what is within your hearts and souls.
Don't think for one moment I'm saying you shouldn't have high standards, or you should date someone that doesn't drive you wild with desire. What I'm saying is you need to look within yourself first before you can find someone else. You need to learn self-love, you need to understand what you want from life, and you need to know yourself spiritually. Until you understand what really makes you tick, you'll remain like a frustrated toddler screaming for an ice cream.
Something else I really need you to get a handle on is the way you describe being single. How many of you describe being single in a negative way? You say things like, "I'm single because all men are cheaters; I'm too old to find love now; I'm single because I'm just unlucky in love." If you start out with a negative, you need to change your mindset. Being single isn't the end of the world. When I talk about myself, I say things like, "I choose to be single until I find the person I connect with deeper than anyone else; I choose to take longer to process my past relationships, so when I find someone special I'll be ready to give them 100% of myself."
I've said this before, and it's very powerful. Love is a journey, not a destination. Too many people make dating all about marriage. Marriage seems to be the ultimate destination for a lot of you, and it's holding you back. You can't date like a toddler. Love isn't about you all the time. Some of the women I coach really are like toddlers. Unless they're with the perfect man, who pays 100% attention to them all the time, they go crazy. Some of their online dating profiles are a sight too. They say things like, "You must be hot. You must have a good job. You must be good with children. You must want to get married."
Why is marriage a goal before you've even met a man? Stop making it all about you, and think about what you can offer a man as a partner. When you talk about your desires in a man, replace the word "you" to "I." "I must look good. I must be financially secure. I must be open and loyal." If you don't change your attitude, you're only going to attract emotionally unavailable men, or men who won't commit. You'll only attract the men who want to get you into bed, and won't satisfy you intellectually. You have to open your heart and mind to every single guy you meet, without judgment, and without trying to date by checklist.
If you start dating a man who turns out to be not for you, you'll feel it almost right away. If he's not for you, then don't try to change him; let him go. Love isn't about trying to turn someone into what you want them to be. Love is a connection between two people who are in tune with who they are as people. Unless you can surrender to a man the moment you start dating him, you're always going to have arguments and clashes. Don't try to change him. It's not fair, and it's not your responsibility. If he's not right for you, move on. The only person you should worry about changing is yourself. It has to start with a deep love and understanding for yourself. It also starts with acceptance that it's okay to be on your own. Being single gives you the chance to take a beautiful journey into yourself. Being single gives you the opportunity to look into your heart and soul, and to see what makes you special. You have the chance to learn about your fears, needs, and desires and the chance to honor who you are as a person.
I need you to change the way you look at dating. I need you to change the way you look at marriage completely. I need you to stop dating like a naughty toddler. No more tantrums, and no more screaming when you don't get your own way. You can't force love, and you can't fit a square peg into a round hole. It's funny because I see people trying to force love every day. Everywhere you look you'll see people who are so clearly unhappy together; it's nuts, yet they stay together because they're so desperate to reach that goal of marriage!
You need to start dating like a grown woman (or man.) You need to date with the intent of going deeper into yourself, and taking a spiritual journey with someone. I so want you to be happy, so please join me and let me help you find that kind of deep, adult, spiritual love we all crave.
Read more dating and relationship advice from David at his blog http://www.davidwygant.com/women
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