I got a great e-mail from Nicole.
I’ve complained to my man that he's not been caring of late and he said that he has financial debt that he's trying to resolve. The problem here is that he hardly calls.
Now he said I should give him some time to clear things up, and that he still values the relationship. And he said he doesn't have any problem with me.
I'm so confused. Is this enough reason for him to stop calling me if he truly loves me? I feel he doesn't love me anymore and he's just making excuses. If he loves me, how come he doesn't make out time to call or see me anymore?
All of this is breaking my heart and making me sick. Please, how do I know if he still loves me? How do I know if he's seeing someone else?
. . .
Do you know why men respond this way?
It's a magic word called complaining.
Nicole, you stated it in the first sentence.
When someone complains about something that you have not been doing, how do you normally respond?
You put your gloves on and you go on the defensive.
That's what happens. Whenever anybody is complained about, they go on the defensive. You're never going to get an honest response if you begin with a complaint.
You should have looked at him and asked, “Hey, is everything okay? I feel like you've been pulling back lately and I want to know if there's anything I can do to help you.”
How would those words make you feel if someone said that to you?
Whenever you want to talk to a man about your relationship, you need to speak to him in a gentle tone; you need to tell them that you miss the daily phone calls and you're wondering if everything is okay.
You don't complain; you tell him how much you miss things; you put things in a beautiful way.
That way, nobody goes on the defensive.
I don't know what this man's thinking. I don't know if he still loves you or not. I don't know him personally. I don't know if he's seeing someone else nor can I be a soothsayer or a genie and figure it out by looking into the future.
All I know is that you put him on the defensive and he pulled back.
So just be a comforting and loving woman—don’t complain—and see what happens next.
This is the beginning of how to communicate with men.