I had a great email from a woman the other day, and I want to share it with you, because her problem is something you’re bound to run into if you haven’t already. Here’s the email…
Here’s my question. I’m a 46-year-old woman, and I’m divorced. I’m now in this seemingly great relationship. We play by all the rules and it feels perfect. My new man tells me how he wants to get married, and because we both have children, we have a blended family, which he says feels magical.
The problem is his ex-wife, who actually left him for another man, has found out he’s now in a happy relationship with an attractive, smart, financially independent woman like me, and decides she wants him back.
My boyfriend seems to be under her spell. We had a spring break planned with the children which he’s cancelled. He agreed with his wife not to see me, and he told me he needs time to figure it all out. He’s gone from calling and texting 10 times a day to nothing. What’s it all about? Is he going to go back to her?”
Here’s the thing. A relationship doesn’t just end like that. Clearly, the guy is still hung up on his ex, and there are warning signs from the get-go. You might have played by all the “dating rules” and it might have felt perfect, but you have ignored your intuition.
Once we learn to trust our gut more, we’ll start listening more carefully instead of trying to make something work out. If a man isn’t over his ex, there are always signs. You have either missed them, or ignored them.
So what signs should you be looking for?
They’re very subtle in most cases, and you need to trust your intuition to a point, but they are there. Here are just a few…
1. She cheated on him – When you’re with a man whose ex left or cheated on him you need to be careful for two reasons. First, at the point she ended it with him, he was probably still happy in the relationship. Had she not cheated on him there’s a good chance they’d have still been together. He might be angry and resentful toward her, but the chances are there are still pangs of love for her hanging around.
The next problem you need to watch out for is the ex herself. When she cheated on him, she was probably unfulfilled in some way. Now she’s had the affair, she now realizes she still loves the guy. There’s always a danger she could come crawling back as she has in your case.
2. He keeps bringing her up in conversation – You might think it’s fine when your man mentions his ex in a negative way. When he’s ranting and raving about what a bitch she is, that’s a sign he’s over her isn’t it?
It’s a sign she’s still on his mind, and that he still has passionate feelings for her, even if those feelings are anger and frustration. Those feelings can quickly turn back to love in the right situation or if she turns up begging for forgiveness. If he keeps bringing her up, be very careful.
3. Look how he reacts when you ask the tough questions – It’s scary asking the difficult questions, but you deserve to know the truth. Ask your man, do you still love your ex? Do you still want to be with her? Would you go back to her if she asked?
They’re tough questions but you deserve to know the answer. Watch how he reacts. Is he answering confidently right away, or is he avoiding the questions, or pausing uncomfortably?
Any pauses or awkward silences aren’t a good sign. Listen to the tone of his voice. That’s usually a giveaway too. In the situation above, my guess is the relationship ended because this new woman was a substitute for what the man really desired…his wife!
It’s interesting, but instead of worrying about dating rules, you need to start tuning into your dating intuition. I guarantee the warning signs are always there. There are conversations, little looks, direct questions he didn’t answer directly, that you missed.
The writing is always on the wall. You just need to learn how to look at it. Start listening to your instinct, because most the time in this situation you’re going to be right.