No, really. This was the discussion between myself and my brilliant new friend Inna Kats who will hopefully be working with myself and my staff on promoting both our new ebook, and our Dating DeMistyfied Workshop in late June.
It began innocently enough while talking business, but our personalities seemed like such a perfect fit, that the discussion moved into more interesting topics, like flatulence for example.
I was telling Inna a story about my recent ex-girlfriend who was in my bathroom (which is attached to my bedroom) about 18 months ago. She didn’t realize that while, um, pooping (can I say that here?) I had slipped into my bedroom and was sitting on my bed, just listening.
And then it happened, the sound. It was kind of like a painful, screaming sound that a balloon makes when you let out just a wee bit of air. And as it exited her body it moved up an octave and a half in sound and intonation. It was almost like her butt was smiling and happy as the gas exited and the sound echoed that feeling.
It was brilliant!
She then flushed.
As she exited the bathroom I was smiling from ear to ear and she asked “have you been sitting there all this time!!!???” I explained that I was and she turned the brightest shade of red and chased me all through my apartment as I laughed myself silly, finally collapsing on my couch as she pummeled me with pillows and other objects.
Now it is my opinion that the experience bonded us closer together, for a time, as thereafter she had no problem burping in front of me. She did swear however that it was not within her (no pun intended) to ever fart in front of me, ever again and under no circumstances.
Why is that? Why will women sit in a public bathroom stall and wait until the stalls on either side are empty before they “drop a doogie” in the bowl? Do women think that if they make ungodly sounds in the stall; that all the other women will be waiting when they exit, arms crossed and judging them? I mean don’t the other women poop too? Don’t the other women pass gas, break wind, and allow the sails to flow freely when necessary?
So why should we, as men, expect that our women will “let it fly” right in front of us and the Ambassador from the Ukraine when we least expect it?
And why is it socially unacceptable to fart in front of others, especially our chosen mate, if you are a woman?
I wonder, in my quiet times when I’m alone, or in a room full of women crying tears of laughter because I discuss crap like this all the time, if our relationships would be better, more honest, and more heart-felt if we just farted freely in front of one another?
Have you ever seen a married couple who have been together for 50 years or more? Well I have when I installed medical security equipment for ten years, and there was one particular time when I had to hold my mouth closed because I was laughing so hard.
I was installing a unit for a couple in their eighties. The wife was sitting next to me on the couch while the husband came slowly, and I mean SLOWLY down the stairs from the upstairs bedroom. We were facing the stairs from the side as he came down, and with each step he exuded a loud, juicy fart.
Every step, another fart; Another step, another juicy emanation, one after another until he got to the bottom and looked at me, shrugged, and said “sorry, I have a condition!”
And through all this there was absolutely no reaction from his wife whatsoever.
None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
My greatest fear through all this was that somehow the aroma would follow him to my location, so I moved rapidly to the kitchen…
…to no avail. Ugh…
Now THAT is love, or perhaps poor hearing and olfactory senses, but still I wonder what would happen if men and women just “made lite” of all the stupid social values that we place on things like farting, burping, and similar body functions that we ALL have. Yes even you women who exclaim “I NEVER Fart!”
Girls, you KNOW you fart!
I sure as hell do!
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