What To Do When An Old Affair Rears Its Ugly Head


What To Do When An Old Affair Rears Its Ugly Head
What should you do when a former fling comes back to entice you once again?

Question: After having an affair eight years ago, out of the blue the other man calls me to tell me he "wanted to make sure I was okay," and ended the call with "I also wanted to tell you I still love you after all these years." I'm still married and worked through the affair but never really got over it.

So I began to "chat" with the other. He was married to a woman for 22 years before their divorce. During our affair, he told me of another woman he was "in love" with, which tore me up inside. I thought the two people having an affair would be really into each other — not trailing a line of other people behind. Anyway, the other ended up marrying the woman and is now separated from her. 


So now he calls me, we have a few chats and get pretty wound up with each other. Then he ends up telling me he's seeing someone — after a very intimate and loving conversation. My brain never felt so messed up.

But curiosity got the best of me and I asked plenty of questions. I come to find out the other is seeing a 27-year-old former student of his (he's a 52-year-old college professor). He goes on to tell me he had a threesome with her and he won't be available to chat because she's coming to visit (she lives 420 miles from him and sees her once a month) — so I won't hear from him for four days. 

There's a push, pull and tug here I'm trying to understand in men, particularly this man. The other told me he was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder ... and that explains a lot about what I went through with him eight years ago. Now, on top of that, I feel as if he's sadistic too — just hurting me by telling me about this very young girl.

I'm 40 and I feel repulsed by the thought of a threesome and a man who is screwing around with someone 25 years younger (his son is the same age).  So, is this guy totally messing with my brain? Why would someone do this and why would he ever call in the first place when he's getting it from some young slut? He doesn't need me and now my life has just turned upside down. My brain can't handle any of it. —Darlene

Answer: If I could distill my advice down to a single word, that word would be: "Run!" The probable outcome of re-involving yourself with this man will likely be lots of emotional upheaval, guilt, regret, confusion, pain and self-loathing. Why do I say this? Because every indication is that this guy is at best, insensitive, and at worst, a master manipulator. Keep reading ...

More on infidelity from YourTango:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

David M. Matthews


Besides being a relationship coach and author of the controversial book, "Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think," David M. Matthews is an Emmy-winning TV Writer/Producer who’s worked on some of television’s favorite shows.

For more information on David or to get a copy of his free report on "The 3 Things Men Are REALLY Looking For In A Relationship," go to www.EveryManSeesYouNaked.com.

Location: Porter Ranch, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support
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