Is your man a little quick on the draw? Here are some suggestions to help him "slow his roll."
Question: I've been dating a man for over seven months now. He is 51 and I am 44. I discovered right off the bat that he can't last but a few seconds as soon as he is inside of me. Now in the beginning he said he was too excited, or it was on my territory (ie. my house… so he insisted we go to his house, but same “short” story). His excuses were cute in the beginning, like “you have a Playboy Bunny body,” blah-blah-blah, so I thought, I'll get him a book on premature ejaculation and a sex guide (he didn't know where a women’s clit was). He went to a doctor who gave him meds: first psychotropics, which I don't think are healthy; then Viagra, but since his problem isn't getting it up - it's maintaining – the problem continued. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging, but it feels like something huge is missing from our sex life. It’s kind of like when we were kids and there was that commercial, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" In his case - one, two, three strokes… and that's what it takes! Please help – I am very frustrated. ...Carrie
Answer: As you may know, you could seek the help of a licensed sex therapist, who is well-schooled in all matters of sexual dysfunction. If you or your man is uncomfortable with that alternative, however, I am happy to address this issue. What you’re describing sounds like a significant problem. Although, we are not surprised when young, inexperienced men are guilty of being “quick on the trigger,” more mature, sexually experienced men are expected to have mastered the art of self-control to at least a small degree. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of older, sexually experienced men whose “thrust count” never reaches double digits. And apparently you now find yourself dating a veteran member of this club.
So what can you do, short of kicking this guy to the curb? Well, to answer that, we must first look at the possible causes of his condition. Since the penis is a well-renown “creature of habit,” it is likely that his speedy ejaculations have been with him for awhile. Perhaps this behavior is the result of repeated sex with a partner who wasn’t particularly into the sexual act and therefore encouraged him to hurry things along. Another possibility, which goes back all the way to his formative years, may be that he had a limited amount of privacy and was forced to masturbate as quickly as possible, in order to keep from being discovered. Over the years, though his situation changed, the old pattern of “jiffy-pop” persisted. Now, despite his desire to be a marathon competitor, his body automatically defaults to a fifty-yard-dash mode. It seems, therefore, that in order to slow him down, his apparatus must be recalibrated.
How do you do that? Well, to some degree, that is what the doctor your man visited was trying to do. The psychotropic drugs he prescribed often have a side effect which can inhibit orgasm. Normally, that’s an unwanted result, but in this case, that was likely the goal. Also, some men who are premature ejaculators have erectile dysfunction issues, as well, and sometimes there may be a cause-and-effect relationship between the two. As such, the physician was trying to make sure that anxiety over getting and maintaining an erection was not playing a role in your man’s rapid-fire performance.
But since neither of these seemed to yield satisfactory results, and creams and topical numbing treatments tend to diminish sensitivity (sometimes for both of you) I suggest another approach. It is a therapy developed by esteemed sexual researchers, Masters & Johnson (not to be confused with Johnson & Johnson), called the “Squeeze Technique.” Let me first assure you that it is not painful or particularly unpleasant, and it has proven to be highly effective in quickly (in a good way) retraining men and their penises to be more considerate, long-term visitors to hospitable vaginas everywhere.
To employ this technique, you must first get him aroused and erect by any means you choose (feel free to be creative). Continue working your magic until he feels the impending approach of orgasm, at which point he must immediately let you know. This is very important. As soon as he identifies those familiar pre-ejaculatory sensations, he must tell you. Quickly grip his penis, placing your index and middle finger on top of his glans (the mushroom-shaped head of his penis) and your thumb against the front, underside of the glans where the foreskin attaches. Now - squeeze (hence the name). Be firm in your squeezing for about 4 or 5 seconds. His need to ejaculate should quickly pass and he will lose some of his erection. Now resume sexual play, avoiding direct contact with his penis for a few minutes. Once he is fully erect again, repeat the procedure. Do this several times, allowing him to pleasure you manually or orally, but never letting him ejaculate. Do not attempt penetration, no matter how tempted you are. That will undermine all your efforts. And since your guy could use a few pointers on the female anatomy and how to please you, you should take this opportunity (in the sexiest manner possible) to show him how to bring you to orgasm. Somebody might as well climax, and tonight it’s not going to be him - under any circumstance. This may seem to him like a punishment, but truly it is not. It is delayed gratification, and it is absolutely necessary to retraining his penis to be able to “go the distance.”
Practice this technique for a few sessions, finally working up to intercourse. When you do finally achieve penetration, allow him to only thrust a little, pulling out and applying the “squeeze” before he is able to “pop.” Repeat this a few times, until you both feel comfortable that control has been achieved. Then, and only then, proceed slowly to mutual, unrushed release.
While this should prove effective, it does require a significant patience and commitment on both your parts, as well as open and honest communication. It also is advisable that he refrain from masturbating between sexual encounters, as he may inadvertently be falling back into unhealthy speedy-release patterns. And though the wait may be a bit frustrating for you both, we hope the outcome (no pun intended) will make it all worthwhile.
© 2010 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved
Besides being a relationship coach and author of the controversial book, "Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider's Guide to How Men Think," David M. Matthews is an Emmy-winning TV Writer/Producer who's worked on some of television's best shows.
For more information on David or to get a copy of his free report on "The 3 Things Men Are REALLY Looking For In A Relationship," go to www.EveryManSeesYouNaked.com.