What To Do When Sex Is Always A "Quickie"

Question: I've been dating a man for over seven months now.  He is 51 and I am 44. I discovered right off the bat that he can't last but a few seconds as soon as he is inside of me. Now in the beginning he said he was too excited, or it was on my territory (ie. my house… so he insisted we go to his house, but same “short” story). His excuses were cute in the beginning, like “you have a Playboy Bunny body,” blah-blah-blah, so I thought, I'll get him a book on premature ejaculation and a sex guide (he didn't know where a women’s clit was). He went to a doctor who gave him meds: first psychotropics, which I don't think are healthy; then Viagra, but since his problem isn't getting it up - it's maintaining – the problem continued. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging, but it feels like something huge is missing from our sex life. It’s kind of like when we were kids and there was that commercial, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"  In his case - one, two, three strokes… and that's what it takes!  Please help – I am very frustrated. ...Carrie

Answer: As you may know, you could seek the help of a licensed sex therapist, who is well-schooled in all matters of sexual dysfunction.  If you or your man is uncomfortable with that alternative, however, I am happy to address this issue. What you’re describing sounds like a significant problem.  Although, we are not surprised when young, inexperienced men are guilty of being “quick on the trigger,” more mature, sexually experienced men are expected to have mastered the art of self-control to at least a small degree.  Unfortunately, there are still a lot of older, sexually experienced men whose “thrust count” never reaches double digits.  And apparently you now find yourself dating a veteran member of this club. 

More from YourTango: Change Of Heart: Now She Wants Him Back

So what can you do, short of kicking this guy to the curb?  Well, to answer that, we must first look at the possible causes of his condition.  Since the penis is a well-renown “creature of habit,” it is likely that his speedy ejaculations have been with him for awhile.  Perhaps this behavior is the result of repeated sex with a partner who wasn’t particularly into the sexual act and therefore encouraged him to hurry things along.  Another possibility, which goes back all the way to his formative years, may be that he had a limited amount of privacy and was forced to masturbate as quickly as possible, in order to keep from being discovered.  Over the years, though his situation changed, the old pattern of “jiffy-pop” persisted.  Now, despite his desire to be a marathon competitor, his body automatically defaults to a fifty-yard-dash mode.  It seems, therefore, that in order to slow him down, his apparatus must be recalibrated.