There's a reason you broke up with your ex. Is there really any benefit to taking a step backwards?
Question: My ex and I broke up several months ago after five years. Right after the break-up (which was pretty much mutual) I became desperate and needy, begging for him back, which obviously only pushed him away. Now that we've gone almost two months with no contact, we've started texting a very little bit here and there. I'm looking to get back together with him, but how can I take it to the next step (i.e. past texting and maybe out for a drink)? ...Frannie
Answer: Being naturally (and sometimes annoyingly) inquisitive, I am curious why you so quickly had a change of heart, if you were, in fact, in favor of this break-up? I can think of a few reasons for this: 1) You didn’t really want to break up, but preferred the idea of “mutual separation” to being dumped (and who could blame you for that); 2) You didn’t really realize what you had till it was gone (cliché, but nonetheless a common occurrence); 3) There was someone else you were interested in, but that didn’t pan out; 4) You were so used to being in a relationship, that suddenly being without one, caused massive anxiety and acute loneliness; 5) You have “seller’s remorse” and feel like you’ve made a horrible mistake, letting your soul mate slip through your fingers, and now you’re destined for a lifetime of loneliness, microwave dinners-for-one, and long weekends reading romance novels, surrounded by a houseful of furry, feline friends (devastatingly dramatic, but highly unlikely). Whatever the reason, though, you now find yourself pining after your lost love, desperate to find some way to get back in his good graces so he’ll re-up for another romantic “tour of duty.”
Forgetting about why you broke up with him, why did he break up with you? Whatever the reason, this is the first item that needs to be addressed before you two can be rejoined. Why was he unhappy with the relationship? Is there something you can do or not do that will remove this impediment? And are you willing to do whatever has to be done to make that happen? Please understand that I am not saying that you should change for him. I am merely stating that if you want to accomplish your goal of getting him back, you may have to do whatever is necessary to make right whatever he considered was wrong. It is only after making this assessment and initiating whatever changes are indicated, that you should move into step two: Escalating the frequency of contact. Keep Reading...
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