How to add one more simple but powerful dose of positivity to your relationship.
So far you've eliminated the top four communication patterns that have been proven to destroy a marriage with almost 100 percent accuracy. Now it's time to add yet another layer of positivity to how you interact with each other as a couple.
After you have built your "hurt-free-zone" (step two in: Your Ultimate Divorce-Prevention Guide) the following relationship change strategy (step #3) is incredibly powerful! This will set the stage for the deeper emotional work you have put on hold for now as your relationship quickly begins to calm emotionally.
Your "relationship love pulse" is now safely out of the marriage CPR zone. You're now stabilizing at a much healthier, but still risky, 50-60 love beats per minute. Our key goal now is to get you both up to the 70-80 mark and make sure you have what you need to stay in that healthy couplehood range most of the time.
Now that you've lived in your hurt free zone for a while now, this next marriage saving step will go faster and easier. Granting three simple wishes will make your later and more intimate couples' communication much better.
Always keep your marriage-saving-pact (step one) in the back of your mind as you start to learn how to grant your partner's three simple wishes. You still need to suspend any disbelief in the idea that your marriage might be beyond saving. Put the thoughts that your partner will never change or fall in love with you again out of your mind.
You also need to put any past hurts or frustrations on the backburner for now in order to continue to move forward. Yes, the hurt may be very real, but focus on the positive for now.
The number of external sources for your emotional hurt and frustration are disappearing with each new step you take together to save and positively transform your marriage. By the time you get to your deepest connection issues as a couple, there will be nothing adding to them. They'll be so much easier to identify, express and heal that way.
Don't worry. Those issues will be explored and resolved through later steps in this, your ultimate divorce-prevention plan, particularly when you both become armchair marriage counselors! For now, here's how your next step together will unfold:
Defining And Sharing Your Three Simple Wishes:
What you need to do next is clearly define on paper, three simple day to day relationship wishes. These are small practical acts of support and kindness from your partner that will help your life run more smoothly and reduce stress.
You don't want to ask for anything emotionally deep here at first. I'm not talking about physical intimacy wishes or major life changes. You need to let your hurt free zone have its complete healing effect first.
I'm talking about doing the dishes every night after dinner or babysitting to give your partner an hour of relaxation and self-care time if you have kids. By the way, when men equally share the house work, it actually reduces the chances of divorce.
You want to clearly define your simple wishes and write them down (so you can refer to them later). List them in very clear terms, with easy to follow, point form action steps or instructions for your partner to follow.
Fulfilling your partner's wishes is a five step process:
1) Get completely clear on what each wish is. Make sure to define your three wishes in clear and specific behavior terms. For example: Don't say "I want you to do the dishes once in a while." That's not specific enough, which means there's too much room for error.
Instead say: "I want you to clear the table and do the dishes right after we eat on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays."
2) Know the specific action steps to take to meet each wish. Describe your action steps as though you were observing the behavior in action. Action steps for doing the dishes include: getting started right after the meal is finished, actually washing, drying and putting the dishes away right after you finish.
It's always a good idea to try and over-deliver on your partner's wishes. Extra action steps might include wiping down the kitchen counters right after you finish putting the dishes away.
3) Take the action steps and do your very best to fulfill each wish. There's no room for procrastination here. Why? Because you are saving your marriage.
4) Get improvement feedback: Ask on a scale of 1 to 10 how well you're meeting each wish/goal one by one. If you're score is low, say three or four: find out what specific actions steps you need to start doing to better fulfill each of your partner's wishers.
When you get a higher score fulfilling your partner's wishes, ask them to take their relationship love pulse too. See how the emotional tone of your marriage is improving because of your positive action steps.
5) Test your new action steps for each wish. Repeat steps one through five every day or two until you are an expert at meeting each other's simple wishes. As you effectively fulfil your partner's simple wish list, it gets easier and easier for your partner to fulfil your wish list as well.
Can you see the power in this? Simply doing the dishes to show your commitment to save your marriage. Making your partner's life a little bit easier instead of throwing angry criticisms and emotional shut downs at each other works so much better.
What you're really doing now is creating and growing a positive action-space in your marriage. Soon, you'll be adding more serious and emotionally deeper wishes to your wish list. These small relationship win-wins only predict how effective you'll be when goals become more personal and complex.
Trust is developing again between you. Eventually, you'll be working on and gently expanding your emotional intimacy as you both become "armchair relationship experts" (step four — coming soon).
What's your most important relationship question right now? Let's create your own divorce-prevention action-plan online