In this phase you focus on two things: working on yourself to once again be the person who attracted your spouse AND allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his choices. You should work on yourself by eliminating the things that extinguished love between you two (like judging, angry explosions, enough is never enough, etc.) and by re-visiting the things that kindled the love between the two of you in the first place. You need to do BOTH... but eliminating love extinguishers is the most important of the two. Why I Cheated
The second part is about NATURAL consequences. This doesn't mean punishing the disloyal parties, but rather letting them know that you are not leaving the house so they can move their lover in. If he wants to be with his lover, he will need to move out and the kids do not go with him. There is no reason for the children to leave their home, their bed, their neighborhood, their friends and their school because he has chosen to be with the other woman. Therefore, a natural consequence is for your husband to lose some time with your children. He needs to learn that that's the cost of choosing to have an affair, and is what will happen if you choose to divorce. Allow him to experience that hurt because it will teach him quickly how much affairs hurt and cost.
Step 6. Consequences
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In this step, write your husband a letter and explain that you love him. Admit the things you did to contribute to the affair and indicate what you're doing to end those things. Then express that unless they end all contact with the Other Person and never, EVER contact her again, you will be forced to end all contact with him. The idea behind this step is to give him a realistic taste of what divorce could be like—to not have you in his life to meet ANY needs! If he attempts contact, you should say:
"Are you calling because you're ready to end the affair? Oh you're not. Then please respect my wishes for no contact until you're ready to do that. Goodbye."
Then hang up.
By this point, it is likely that life is not going well for him. As he persists in doing what he knows is wrong, he might feel the need to have someone to blame for his problems. Hopefully this fairly drastic, nearly final step will help his to take personal responsibility for his choices. 5 Definitive Reasons Not To Get Back With Your Ex
Step 7. Legal Separation
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The final step that I would recommend before divorce is a legal separation. Many affairs die a natural death within two years. Therefore, I suggest that the couple pursue a legal separation because it will stall the legal process of divorce, and protect the family at the same time. I generally recommend a minimum of one year of legal separation. The disloyal spouse may push for a "quickie" divorce in an attempt to legitimize their affair partner, but if nothing else, a legal separation will give all parties involved a chance to recover from the emotional roller-coaster and a better chance of ending the affair. Once the affair is actually over, it's conceivable the he may still decide that he would rather stay apart. But at that point with all good conscience the you will have done all you could to save your marriage. 4 New Ways To Approach Divorce