One fundamental question is potent enough to remove a great deal of the destructive power this energy harnesses. That question is simply this: "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in love?" Always move in the direction of understanding first, and then move toward resolution. This will create the spiraling downward effect that I already mentioned.
3. Invalidation: This habit — like the others — simply reinforces a win-lose dynamic that, as I've said earlier, will eventually end up in one final loss 90 percent of the time. When you invalidate your partner, it's all about discrediting them or weakening them in some way. Oftentimes, this is done by objectifying someone or taking away their "human" characteristics and instead focusing on negative aspects, assumptions, and prejudices. This can be cruelly effective in the short term and possibly even destroy someone's self-esteem for a period of time. However, be warned, sometimes when the tables get turned, it happens hard and fast. A bully may win their share of battles, but it's very unsettling when they lose the war very, very suddenly when their partner can't take it anymore.
A key understanding that can shift this dynamic forever is the fundamental acknowledgement that as human beings, we're all doing the very best we can with what we have in the moment. Normal, emotionally healthy humans don't wake up in the morning and consider how they're going to meet only their own selfish needs while hurting and frustrating others that day. That's pretty much the definition of a sociopath and if that sounds like your partner, that level of dysfunction may be too deeply engrained to turn around without professional help and a real desire to change.
4. Alienation: This habit is about routinely withdrawing from or abandoning an effort to resolve an issue. Sometimes, it's more passive-aggressive, like giving someone the "silent treatment." Other times, it's more overt — like slamming the door and leaving — which gives your partner the uncertainty of abandonment. The one common theme is that it's a controlling mechanism designed to manipulate your partner and take back power or at least the illusion of it.
If you want your relationship to stand the test of time, it's up to you to steer it in the direction you want it to go. That means resolving issues and committing to meeting one another's needs. In order to survive the challenges, you have to work together as a team to craft win-win situations for your mutual benefit.
If you see yourself or your relationship in any of these scenarios, be assured that you're playing a dangerous, costly, and very risky game. There's a reason these toxic habits will cause a divorce within five years 90 percent of the time. Plus, these habits can be so deeply ingrained that oftentimes you leave one relationship and then start the cycle all over, recreating the dysfunction with a new partner. With coaching, you can get the support you need, not to mention the new awareness and skills that can make all the difference. If you want some help, contact me now, before it's too late. Coaching is a lot more cost-effective than losing half of everything you own. But as always, of course, the choice is entirely yours.