I got a question from a woman today who wanted to know what men think about during intimacy. Specifically, she wanted to know if men “think about the love handles or the Jelly belly or all the other imperfections that are just staring at (them)?” Of course, we can assume this question applies to any other perceived “imperfection” which is ironic when you consider that “perfection” is a mental construct anyway that varies anyway both person-to-person and over time. But let’s address the specifics...
Ask a terrible question...get a terrible answer
First of all, if you ask about what’s “wrong,” your brain will gather up all the evidence that supports your premise in order to make you “right.” So just simply ask a better-quality question. In other words, if you assume your partner is enjoying the experience (and why wouldn’t he?!?) – you can then look for evidence to support THAT belief and you’ll find IT also. Plus it will connect you both on an even deeper level...which is a good thing in love-making.
Understanding the feminine mindset
Secondly, I'm glad she asked that out loud because it gives us all a peak into the mind of the feminine. It’s very common for the feminine to have trouble quieting the chatter in her own mind during intimacy. Let me address why that happens in generalities first and then we can get more specific. Feminine energy navigates the world primarily through emotions and how things “feel.” Masculine energy navigates by logic and reason. Feminine energy needs to feel “safe” at all costs while masculine just wants to solve problems and prove his worth. So from that perspective alone, the limiting thoughts in her head resonate far louder because emotion amplifies the volume and she MUST feel safe to be intimate. For most people, danger and intimacy definitely don’t exactly go together. By contrast, masculine energy is focusing on “solving the problem” of fulfilling his sexual desire foremost – and possibly ensuring a “return engagement” if it was enjoyable by proving his worth. Based on that generalization alone, it’s easy to see who would likely be more focused, “present” and “in their body” during the experience.
How to quiet the voices in your head
Basically speaking, you can’t quiet what you don’t understand and you can’t relax when you are actively wrestling an idea...especially when “the idea” is winning. So let’s give you a new understanding that WORKS. First of all, as I’ve already demonstrated, I can assure you this is less about the thoughts of your man and far more about the thoughts in the mind of a woman. Here’s why: according to my friend and mentor, Alison Armstrong, that voice in your head that sounds like it’s your voice beating you down isn’t actually YOUR voice.
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