I got a question from a woman today who wanted to know what men think about during intimacy. Specifically, she wanted to know if men “think about the love handles or the Jelly belly or all the other imperfections that are just staring at (them)?” Of course, we can assume this question applies to any other perceived “imperfection” which is ironic when you consider that “perfection” is a mental construct anyway that varies anyway both person-to-person and over time. But let’s address the specifics...
Ask a terrible question...get a terrible answer
First of all, if you ask about what’s “wrong,” your brain will gather up all the evidence that supports your premise in order to make you “right.” So just simply ask a better-quality question. In other words, if you assume your partner is enjoying the experience (and why wouldn’t he?!?) – you can then look for evidence to support THAT belief and you’ll find IT also. Plus it will connect you both on an even deeper level...which is a good thing in love-making.
Understanding the feminine mindset
Secondly, I'm glad she asked that out loud because it gives us all a peak into the mind of the feminine. It’s very common for the feminine to have trouble quieting the chatter in her own mind during intimacy. Let me address why that happens in generalities first and then we can get more specific. Feminine energy navigates the world primarily through emotions and how things “feel.” Masculine energy navigates by logic and reason. Feminine energy needs to feel “safe” at all costs while masculine just wants to solve problems and prove his worth. So from that perspective alone, the limiting thoughts in her head resonate far louder because emotion amplifies the volume and she MUST feel safe to be intimate. For most people, danger and intimacy definitely don’t exactly go together. By contrast, masculine energy is focusing on “solving the problem” of fulfilling his sexual desire foremost – and possibly ensuring a “return engagement” if it was enjoyable by proving his worth. Based on that generalization alone, it’s easy to see who would likely be more focused, “present” and “in their body” during the experience.
How to quiet the voices in your head
Basically speaking, you can’t quiet what you don’t understand and you can’t relax when you are actively wrestling an idea...especially when “the idea” is winning. So let’s give you a new understanding that WORKS. First of all, as I’ve already demonstrated, I can assure you this is less about the thoughts of your man and far more about the thoughts in the mind of a woman. Here’s why: according to my friend and mentor, Alison Armstrong, that voice in your head that sounds like it’s your voice beating you down isn’t actually YOUR voice.
Meet The Ideal Woman
That critical voice in your head is actually that of "the Ideal Woman" who lives in every woman's own brain. You know her. She's the one who says "she's prettier than you...she’s smarter than you...she looks better in that dress than you..." etc. She's the source of the terrible self-talk in your own brain. Unfortunately, she can be a cruel master who destroys the self-worth of many women who don't understand her real purpose. The truth is she's not there to destroy you. She's there to SERVE you and make you better. It would be a much better idea to just listen to her, thank her for the feedback and it's good intentions...and then maybe just metaphorically send her to the spa for the pampering she really needs. She will only stay and argue if you resist her so if what you resist, persists...and what you release, brings you peace...what was it you wanted again? ;-)
Understanding "man math"
Here’s something else to consider: your man will value you in direct proportion to the degree that YOU value YOU. That has more to do with what your self-talk says...and less to do with what the scale says or anyone else thinks. Understand this: you are the one who determines your value by what you think, how you show up, what you believe, what you allow...and what you will NEVER allow. If you allow ANYONE else to determine your worth, they will seldom add it up in your favor. So be clear. There are men who love every kind of woman imaginable. Large women. Small women. Big breasts. No breasts. Firm bodies. Plump bodies. There’s someone out there as Billy Joel sang who will love you just the way you are...and I highly suggest you love yourself first.
I’m talking to you, too, guys
While I answered this question specifically from the perspective of the woman who asked it, much of it applies to men in the reverse scenario as well. The single-most attractive quality in men and women alike is CONFIDENCE. It’s about knowing who you are and being clear on your value. If you are too busy focusing on your own perceived limitations, you can’t be focused on the naked partner next to you who wants you focused with them, not necessarily just ON them.
The final point
If you take away one thing from this article, make it this: your thoughts create your conditions – and oftentimes, your conditions REINFORCE your thoughts. In other words, what you do, what you weigh, what you say...these are all nothing more than a direct reflection of what you believe or what you value. Want proof? Consider these 2 quick questions:
1) How would you show up in bed if you loved yourself completely and wholly?
2) How might loving yourself affect your choices when it comes to diet and exercise?