The topic of sex often comes up in my psychotherapy practice. Unfortunately, many couples are not able to have a frank and honest discussion about their sex lives. Issues like are we having good sex, bad sex, too little sex, too much sex (ok not that one so much) are quite often left unsaid. Sex is complicated. Sex is physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual at times. Our bodies have likes and dislikes and we all have personal preferences as to what makes us feel good.
The funny thing is that even though we happily engage in the act of sex, for some reason we seem to have a real problem being able to talk about it! It is interesting how easily we are willing to take off our clothes and join our naked bodies together and participate in the most personal and private experience with another person, but can't seem to muster up the courage to talk to our partner about what kind of sex we enjoy or don't.
Sex is part of healthy relationships and its time we started talking about it!
When talking about sex try to be specific. Focus on speaking from the heart, include things like; what I like, what you like, how it makes me feel when you ..., what I would like to have more of, less of, etc. We often worry that we might hurt our partner's feelings if we discuss what we need and want sexually.
So now it's time to take a deep breath and plunge right in (pun intended). But be sure to follow a few simple rules; 1) Be Considerate – no one wants to hear they suck in bed, 2) Focus on the Positives – make statements like It really feels good when you… or I get turned on when….., 3) Try not to take Constructive Criticism Personally – if your partner tells you something they prefer you not do, (not many of us really like to have a wet tongue stuck in our ear), and finally 4) Find a Neutral Time - the best time to talk about what you need and how you like sex is often when you are not being sexual.
Bottom line here folks, sex is natural, we are by nature sexual beings whether we like it with the lights on or off, but sex should be about pleasure and intimacy not performance and ego. How about it, can we talk about sex now? Please.
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