Are you using money and your kids to get back at your ex?
The experience of going through a divorce comes with a myriad of emotions. For some, it may have gone smoothly and was fairly painless, but for others it was an emotional train wreck. Feelings of disappointment, frustration and shame may still be present. Many couples who are separating continue to argue, withdraw or otherwise. These couples may have noticed they did not change the way they battle from when they were married, which is why individuals choose to hire lawyers to step in and do the arguing for them.
Lawyers or couples often end up in mediation debate. In this scenario, what is typically the one big thing used as a weapon? Money. Once that settlement is agreed upon, but not deemed fully satisfactory, the next weapons are the children. This is the most disgraceful action anyone could ever take. So please, if you or someone you know is battling, and the children are dragged into the middle, pay close attention and make it right. Take half of the responsibility of the breakdown of the marriage. If you are assuming that were not responsible at all, then you are not being honest with yourself or fair to others.
There were signs that you either chose not to pay attention to or thought they would fix themselves, or that you minimized. Perhaps, because all of the good stuff in your relationship was enough to overlook the bad. Perhaps the motive to marry was for the wrong reason, security, money, loneliness or limited scope on life. Therefore settling without really challenging yourself with the possibility of waiting to find the right one. I'm sure you saw some characteristics during the dating stage that annoyed you but thought it was petty and placed it in your fix file.
Whatever the reasons were, you will need to look deeply. When you come to terms with what your part in the relationship breakdown was, then real grieving begins. Grieve for the person who was too afraid to be honest with themselves and made a decision based on information you chose to give yourself and justify marrying this person. For those of us who had children, be thankful because we at least leave a marriage but have the love for them. We know we had good memories when the relationship was intact that's just as important to remember. But for the memories that bring sadness and hurt forgiveness and grieving will undo the deep-seeded anger that makes divorce so tumultuous. It's not the money or the kids you want, it's the revenge you feel is due to you. Just because you are angry, do not try to get rewarded by money or the kids. The reward is recognizing within yourself your truth, moving on, getting it right next time, learning from the experience and growing.
More divorce advice from YourTango
- How To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage
- The Top 5 Mistakes That Lead To Divorce
- How To Save Your Marriage When You Feel Hopeless